Nationalism was not always "bad"

Nationalism has a very bad reputation. It is often distinguished from patriotism, as if patriotism took with it the good qualities of nationalism, leaving nationalism to bear the other not so desirable qualities. Nationalism, as I know it, in my part of the world, was about countries fighting for independence, often from their colonial masters. So... how did it get this bad reputation? Is it because the colonial masters did not like the locals rising up against them?

I have been interested in this idea of Pan-Africanism, which my friend termed continental patriotism. It is about the cooperation of nations. It is not about using power to fight for one's own nation's interest. It is using power to fight for the good of a group of nations. It is Tanzania and other countries helping South Africa gain freedom from apartheid. It is Cuba training nationalists to help them overthrow their colonists.

When I think of nationalism, I do not think American exceptionalism. Maybe American nationalism is of that kind. But when I think of the nationalism of many African and Asian countries, I think of locals rising up against their foreign rulers, take the Philippines and Jose Rizal for example, and asking why should the natives be treated as second-rate citizens. I think of bravery, courage, subversion, dissent... The very qualities American liberals praise...

Maybe one day I should write a paper regarding this to redeem nationalism and to tell the world the untold stories of African and Asian nationalists. The brave people... son of the soil...

See... this was written by my friend,
"So, my sister/brother, be an African. Think of what you need and want to do. Imagine it. Envision it like Mandela. Work upon it like Nyerere. Build it like Nkrumah. Create it like Sankara or die for it like Lumumba."

Africa had so many great leaders, nationalists... What is so bad about nationalism?

Narratives

There is a purpose for telling a story. Take "Tob" Story which I just read (excluding the missing printed pages in the book), the story of how Tao Kae Noi, the seaweed snack company, became successful. Clearly, there's an element of Tob sharing how he did it to encourage others that they can do it too, the element of sharing of lessons that he learned such as perseverance, and seeing problems as opportunities, and another clear element is using the story to thank the people who have helped him  in this journey.

I am thinking about the stories told by teachers in the classroom. The time S shared about the hungry ghost festival, the time T shared about witnessing a victim of suicide being handcuffed despite being already dead, the time Y showed a video in her class to illustrate the importance of perspective, the other time F shared about the story of Islam and Christianity, and why till this day there is fighting between the two groups.

These teachers reverted to narratives to make a point, to reinforced something, or to make their students think deeper, or to connect with students and help students identify... I am thinking of changing the direction of my Ph.D. to more heavily focus on "narratives," how social studies teachers use narratives in the classroom.

I find this would broaden my topic of patriotism, and ground it as the same time. Not every country or person believe very much about patriotism, many in fact don't like the word at all, but national stories are prevalent, and every nation has a history, official or counter-narratives, they are all there.

I noticed a trend in my research interest... It has always been about cognition and emotion, reason and love, enlightenment and romanticism... This coupling and tension... I believe in narratives, the two come together. Stories can be used to both make someone think and also make them feel, at different points in the story, there can be different objectives. A story can achieve multiple objectives. It can end in a manner that makes something think and question... Hence, a very useful tool for critical thinking.

I am thinking of coming up with a taxonomy of narratives that social studies teachers use, if that has not already been done. I will need to read up more to see what has been done... It covers the area of history education, which I'm not too familiar with.

So yes, this is an update of where my research is going! I am thinking about stories, about narratives. Brene Brown said, "Maybe stories are just data with a soul." Yes, I think stories have both a factual and fantasy component, which makes it a powerful tool in the classroom. Let's see how this goes...

The group of average

Talking about education issues, I feel I need to speak up for that group who is the norm, who are not the really bad, nor the really good, the students who are perhaps above average or fighting to be average. These are the bookworms who want to do well in their studies. They are the group that knows that hard work pays off, and make a difference to their grades.

The weaker students and the gifted students may think that there's nothing much to do to change their grades, or even the perception people have of them, they have less to lose in terms of expressing their opinions in class, and also sort of less expectations by others on their grades.

But that group in the middle, that studious group who buries their heads into the books, they receive so little pity. They are mocked for being muggers, mocked for not having a voice of their own, only caring about results, and perhaps for being so boringly obedient and conventional.

(Forgive my gross generalizations, just trying to bring a point across.)

I think I speak up for this group, because I used to be one of them, and I couldn't see my individuality. I couldn't see that who I am was beyond what I can achieve in school, and is in fact more important than the outcomes I achieve.

I hope we don't overlook this group, or think they are doing fine, just because they are quiet, obedient, hardworking, and more or less average, average enough not to be noticed.

Discovering Alliances

My lecturer in my Academic Discourse Writing module told us about alliances, how you can refer the to reference section and know where an author stood on matters, and which academic discourse community he or she belonged to.

Today, I just spotted an alliance, in the most indirect of manners. *Sigh* I think these people have been citing one another, and I only just noticed.

I have a favourite book called Writing Up Qualitative Research by Harry F. Wolcott. I so love his writing that I bought two other of his books. They have equally interesting ideas, but not written in as easy a style as my favourite book. Okay, on the sideline, I somehow stumbled upon the book I talked about in my previous post by Tom Schram. I must have stumbled upon his book in the library. And he cites Harry F. Wolcott! No big deal, as Wolcott is quite a big shot. I happen to really like Tom Schram's writing and was upset for him that he's not as popular, because I think he ought to be, having written that very interesting book. I think anyone who can explain qualitative research that well, and make me fascinated, should be more famous, i.e., well-read! I really expected him to have multiple editions of his book, especially since edition 2 was published in 2006. That was 10 years ago! This book deserves to be updated and republished!

Okay, so I went to refer to Harry F. Wolcott's book because Tom Schram kept referring to him, and... Lo and behold, so many similar ideas... I was getting worried, thinking about plagiarism and stuff like that... Until, from the book The Art of Fieldwork, I realized Tom Schram was Harry F. Wolcott's former student and later on colleague... NO WONDER they had such similar ideas!

And so... I spotted an alliance! I... happen to like very much this alliance. :)

What is Qualitative Research?

I really like Thomas H. Schram (2006)'s book "Conceptualizing and Proposing Qualitative Research".

Here is a long quotation from his book on page 7:

A Qualitative Predisposition

As a qualitative researcher your position on the continuum will indicate a predisposition toward working with and through complexity rather than around or in spite of it. You will embrace the challenge of turning familiar facts and understandings into puzzles. You will see value in seeking out your subjectivity as a means to explore how your assumptions and personal biography may be shaping your inquiry and its outcomes. From an enlarged awareness of how your own assumptions may be informing or affecting your understanding will emerge a still greater appreciation of complexity.

You will undertake inquiry not so much to achieve closure in the form of definitive answers to problems but rather to generate questions that raise fresh, often critical awareness and understanding of problems. Your distinctive contribution will lie in raising questions about ideas otherwise taken for granted or left unasked (Barone, 2001; Page, 2000).

In this way you might begin to identify yourself as a qualitative researcher: embracing complexity, uncovering and challenging taken-for-granted assumptions, feeling comfortable knowing your direction but not necessarily your destination. If we view the nature of qualitative inquiry in these terms, it becomes even more apparent that, while there are numerous ways to construct qualitative understanding, there is no one way to be a qualitative researchers.

Reference
Schram, T. H. (2006) Conceptualizing and proposing qualitative research. 2nd edn. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Pearson, Merrill Prentice Hall

Patriotism Trilogy

Today, I submitted journal article #3, and that's the end of the Patriotism Trilogy. It started with journal article #1 which discussed whether teachers thought that patriotism involved loyalty to the government, did they dare cross boundaries in their teaching, and discussed about controversial issues that may make the government look bad at times? Journal article #2 focused specially on two teacher who dared to do so, they exhibited "constructive patriotism" as opposed to blinder forms of patriotism. Lastly, in the crowning article, journal article #3 tells us that each teacher's patriotism was unique! There were four kinds of patriotism: cosmopolitan, nationalistic, social-movement, and person-oriented.

I like this third one the best! Because it says there's no good or bad patriotism, just different kinds of patriotism! It is the crowning article. And yes, we have ended the Patriotism Triology, the three articles published from my work on my Masters thesis. Now... time to move on and start a new series with my Ph.D work! ;)

Reason and love

"It is widely supposed that the two most precious capacities of our species, which make human life distinctively valuable and interesting, are that we can reason and that we can love. Each of these capacities is fully realized only when a person finds himself constrained by a kind of necessity. In the former case, it is the cognitive necessity of logic; in the latter, it is the volitional necessity of love. Reason is universal, in the sense that its dictates are equally binding on everyone. On the other hand, love is particular: the fact that I am devoted to certain ideals, or the fact that I love someone, does not lead me to think that anyone who does not do the same is making a mistake. The question of whom one is to love cannot be settled by developing a rigorous proof, nor can one rigorously demonstrate which ideals are properly to define the boundaries of one's will. This should not be taken to entail, however, that our volitional necessities must merely be acknowledged as givens - that is, accepted passively as brute facts with respect to which deliberation and rational critique have no place. The relationship between love and reason is an ancient philosophical theme, which it would be well for us to explore anew." (p. 26) Harry Frankfurt, On the Necessity of Ideals, in The Moral Self

Gosh, I find myself embroiled in this ancient philosophical debate, when I discovered myself, through patriotism, and I realized how love and reason and their entanglement is really something I daily face in my life, and also in my work.

The joys of quantitative research (!)

I am actually proud of myself that I had the guts to pick up a quantitative method again... Despite my past bad experiences with it and my belief that I was not inclined towards it.

I have challenged it through learning how to use Q Methodology. My ability to do abstract reasoning, works even with numbers, it does not merely work with words. I surprise myself. :) 

If not for struggling with it, making lots of mistakes, asking for help, and trying again, I would not have learned this about myself! :)

I love how quantitative data can surprise you in a way that qualitative data cannot. And I have learned not to fear surprises. I learned that there is a story waiting to be told, and I am the story writer. :) 

Impressed

Have you ever been impressed by your own work?

After a 9 months break from that paper, after overcoming my fear of reading it, and reading it... I was impressed, especially by the literature review. 

How did I so deftly come up with that critique and hence the space for my research? I commented, "Wow!!" 

For moments like these... This is the reason I chose to continue working on patriotism despite my interest in practically everything. I had a firm grasp of the literature and it enabled me to reshape it into many formations so that I can keep coming up with new angles to position my data!

I am so excited! Can't wait to do major revisions and send it back. *fingers crossed* I want to see this published. Among all the three articles I've written from my Masters research, to me, this is my grandest contribution to the field and to existing knowledge. Better journals may not agree, but I know this in my heart.

Major Revisions and Random Thoughts

It took 9 months to get back my manuscript with reviewer feedback. Again, I got to do major revisions. But this time, I was less upset, less afraid, than I had been in the past.

Something has fundamentally shifted in me as a person. I am changing and becoming more and more like who I really am inside.

I wonder how is this going to affect my writing? Will I become a more confident writer?

I must update you about the Q-method conference soon. Yes, that conference that I sort of carved my own way into it. I read up about the method, find a means to collect data, to write an abstract, and subsequently got my tickets, ended up in New Orleans, presented, got more feedback, fell in love with the methodology (and the community), and yes, back in Singapore still somewhat infatuated.

It's like what I always believe research to be... I used to always want to be a researcher, but an independent one, who studies anything she wants, just because it's interesting to her.

Master = Doctor = Teacher

I read this today and I am so inspired. I never knew this. That the Ph.D was supposed to mean an expert teacher. :) Yes, in the past having a Ph.D meant you were a good teacher. I hope this inspires me. I've always wanted to be a teacher. And now... I am indeed training to be one, because I do have an oral defense eventually coming up, where I get to "lecture" my examiners and "discuss" my work with them. Thinking of it this way takes the sting out of what traditionally would have caused a lot of fear in Ph.D students.

To this day, the names we give our university degrees and the rituals we attach to them reflect those fundamental connections between knowing and teaching. For example, the highest degrees awarded in any university are those of "master" or "doctor," which were traditionally interchangeable. Both words have the same definition; they mean "teacher." "Doctor" or "dottore" means teacher; it has the same root as "doctrine," or teaching. Master, as in school master, also means teacher. Thus, the highest university degree enabled its recipient to be called a teacher. (p. 196)

Consider the full current form of the oral exam. First, the candidate presents a brief oral exposition of the thesis. He then defends the thesis in dialogue with the examiners. These parallel the two modes of teaching: the lecture and the disputation. The oral examination is the ultimate test of subject matter expertise; it examines the candidate's ability to teach the subject by employing the dual method of lecture and discussion. (p. 197) 

Reference
Shulman, L. S. (1986). Those who understand: knowledge growth in teaching. In S. Wilson (ed.) (2004). The wisdom of practice: essays on teaching, learning and learning to teach (pp. 189-215) USA: Jossey Bass.

Q Methodology Investments

I became exposed to Q Methodology while through two articles I read, one in citizenship education and one in patriotism (political science). And my interest in it has been piqued since. I like it because it seems fun to construct a concourse, a universe of ideas that can represent all possible opinions on a particular issue or topic. And I like the objectivity of using statistics to help with making decisions, instead of using purely a human instrument! So yes, it brings out  in me the best of my qualitative and quantitative selves!

It is a method new to my supervisor, so what I have decided to do is to invest in myself picking up this method. I am going to learn it on my own and use it in my Ph.D. I have signed up for a conference, with some data, so I can play around with, do a presentation, get feedback. I have signed up for two workshops, also so I can learn more and also ask some questions. I am not attending the conference fresh, but I have some some study on my part to maximize my learnings. So there you have it, if you don't know something, go and find out about it. Don't be afraid to start from scratch.

Social Science Beginnings

I've always found it a little interesting that there's this one piece of small research that I did on attitudes on biological conservation during my undergraduate studies. I remember being examined and my examiner questioning me, "Why are you doing research in the social sciences? Do you know this is not real research?" Being the person I was then, against an authority figure, I had no ability and knowledge how to defend myself. Here was someone denying the importance and relevance of studying subjectivity! It hence, amuses me that today I am what one could call a social scientist, or one who dabbles in the social sciences.

Could I see this coming? Yes and no. Yes, because I always felt drawn to the human condition. I had always felt studying plants, animals and habitats were not enough. I wanted to study humans. I was very interested in the social side of biology - Man's relationship with the environment. How were Man using the natural world for medicine and materials? How can encourage sustainable development? How can we protect the environment from destruction? No, because there was no way back then, I could see how all these seemingly unrelated threads would eventually link up one day to lead me onto this path I am currently on!

I am hence extremely grateful to my former supervisor and mentor who gave me this opportunity and this guidance with that earlier research, a taste of social science research. I find them courageous and farsighted, to know that we cannot study biology, apart from the human race.

Changes in me

I went through a very interesting experience last night. There is this philosophy book on patriotism that I bought about 2 years ago, but struggled to read. It's a collection of argumentative pieces. After analyzing my data and looking at the world, a few things finally clicked within me, and I had an interest to read the book. As I was reading just the introduction, I was reminded of the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton competition.

Note that I am not into American politics at all, but recently I have been questioning a lot (partly because of the data I am analyzing) that does putting the people of your nation first, necessarily mean xenophobia? No, it may not be... So I googled Trump and Clinton to find out their views on immigration. I was reading their positions, with great interest you know.

I am actually surprised with myself. I have rarely seen this side of me. I really wanted to know what both of them thought. Is having Trump as president really such a scary thing as everyone has made it to be? Hmmm...

What kind of teacher would I be?

I used to imagine myself being a teacher when I was a little girl. I would design these little workbooks that help students write alphabets.

I was just reading the beginning of a really cool book called Banal Nationalism by Michael Billig. It was so interesting. And I thought to myself, if I were to lecture at a university, what subject would I want to teach?

Being in the education field, and rather inter-disciplinary in nature, I would think my expertise would eventually cover qualitative research methodologies, academic writing (my love for it explains this blog), citizenship education...

But you know what I would like to teach? Something on nationalism... and patriotism... about how nations came about, what distinguishes one from another, not just the physical and legal aspects, but the social and emotional aspects that I have been digging deep into. The diversity and universality of the concept of nation-states. That would be cool.

To get there, I need to read up a lot more and form some mental framework for this topic!

Accidental Opportunities

I am sometimes asked to do things that are beyond me. The imposter syndrome kicks in and I tell myself, “They only picked you because no one else wants to do it.” I told a friend about it and he told me that everyone needs such lucky breaks, every genius begins through accidents like these, as the beginner can hardly suppose to deserve them.

I felt so comforted by that. Yes, I got that opportunity to organize a conference, write a book review, speak on a plenary, and perhaps publish a few articles, maybe by chance and by being thick-skin and gung-ho enough to grasp and not let go of what comes my way.

I may not be the most erudite, eloquent, or sophisticated, but I am an amateur who values any opportunity to learn and grow. So there is my place among the learned. I may not have answers, but there I take my place with asking questions.

I will find my voice in grad school. :)

Passion and heart in research

I learned a lot of lessons during this trip to the 12th CitizED conference at Birmingham, UK.

The most important lesson being good research comes from the heart.

It must mean something deeply to the researcher.

Only then, can it resonate with one's soul and the hearts of those the research involves and also those who are listening to you talk about your research.

It took me a long time to learn this. I learned this from watching people do real research. Real research is not just a job that you find, it's about investigating something significant and important to you, and believing that your research will make a difference beyond yourself.

Losing Focus

Recently, I have been losing passion for my "first love". Research has become a job, rather than a passion. I no longer wish I could be a Ph.D student forever, now I count the years, and want to complete it as soon as possible. I no longer look with wonder and passion and curiosity at the world, but look at it very academically and technically and dryly... I no longer research to change the world, I have let research changed me.

I realized this today, when I watch other researchers talk about their "first love" with so much care and so much passion.

And today, I want to reignite that love and resow those seeds. Thank you A. for the encouragement. Today, I want to find back my voice in research. I want to find that passion burning in my heart and say it to an audience passionately once again.

Presentations are about the message and the audience, we tweak the message according to the direction the conference is going. We don't memorize a dead script and repeat it mindlessly. This year, I will try to get it right. :) Shuyi, don't waver, don't keep tweaking your message according to other peoples' messages. Find your own message and speak it.

And don't put down yourself and speak bad things about yourself anymore. Stop. You are sincerely doing your best already. No one can fault you for it. Even if people do fault you, you know the truth, so stop being so mean and harsh to yourself. Instead, be kind and gentle, and curious with yourself. And do the same to and for others.

Reading what you previously wrote 2

I just read this second paper. This one was more difficult for me, because I had sent copies of this article to my participants. Oh boy, you don't know how much courage that requires! To get feedback and critique from those whose opinions you value most, from those who have given you their trust to sit through their lessons, talk to them, and make analysis and judgments on their teaching.

I did receive some negative feedback, which unraveled me for awhile. Not doing something does not necessarily mean ignorance. True. But yes, as David Burns said,

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.”
― David D. Burns

“After all, this is how you learned how to walk. You didn't just jump up from your crib one day and waltz gracefully across the room. You stumbled and fell on your face and got up and tried again. At what age are you suddenly expected to know everything and never make any more mistakes? If you can love and respect yourself in failure, worlds of adventure and new experiences will open up before you, and your fears will vanish.”
― David D. Burns

“The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnerability to the opinions of others. Like any addict, you will find you must continue to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdrawal pangs. The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully, just like the junkie who can no longer get his “stuff.” Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You will have to give in to their demands more often than you want to because you fear they might reject or look down on you. You set yourself up for emotional blackmail.”
― David D. Burns, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

Reading what you previously wrote

I just read through the first article I published with my adviser. It was the first time, after 2 years that I had done so. I do not know why I had such great fear of reading it after it was published. Rather than feeling good and proud, I was worried, ashamed and afraid. I was concerned that it wasn't good enough, and I would spot things I would be embarrassed about. I was slightly mortified that now my work was available for public scrutiny.

I think I felt that way because of the way I think about myself and my work, and the expectations I had. I hope one day I can write a book on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Graduate Students. I want to examine the thoughts that graduate students have, and certain phenomena such as imposter's syndrome that are common among budding academics, and to address them headon, so that we can once and for all get rid of certain myths widespread in academia.

For example, we are never brilliant enough. It's true, so what is the point scolding yourself when you make mistakes and saying, "I'm not good enough." For my case, I should calmly read my published articles. Yes, they could have been better written, but this was a work written by the Shuyi 2 years ago! Remember, back then, she struggled even to write a complete article. The fact that it was published, actually is quite a feat! So instead of beating her up for writing a not-good-enough article, I want you to congratulate her for her courage and effort!

Yes, I want to eventually write a book like this, if it has not already been written. I want to write a David Burns version for graduate students. It would include chapters on Public Speaking (for conference presentations), on Social Anxiety (for networking sessions), on Interviews (for taking your first job and getting your scholarship)... Wouldn't this be a great book?

Okay, now I have to read my second article. Go ahead, read it, and don't scold yourself while reading it. Instead, enjoy the fruit of your labor. Enjoy that that publication is your reward. :)

Public Speaker

How ironic that my dream jobs all required some form of public speaking, though I have rather severe public speaking anxiety. :) 

I wanted to teach, to pastor, to motivate... 

Right now... I have two academic presentations coming up... I have about 10 days to prepare. I am going to treat this as a chance to fulfill my childhood dreams. 

I want to prepare well and treat the audience as my students, my congregations, my motivation and do a good one.

All the best little girl! You are brave and courageous and feisty! :) I know you're scared, but you are going to do well. You have a heart of a lion, you're a fighter. You are sincere in doing a job to inspire, to educate, and to give unto others. 

Prepare well and you'll do fine. Don't worry about it.

Ph.D Privilege

I was serving as an usher for my institute today during the Teachers' Investiture Ceremony. I think I could have been the most polite usher ever, "Hello, excuse me, do you mind moving in a bit/standing up for a while..." I am just so uncomfortable doing this, and asking others to do things, things they may not want to do. But it was nice to help out, and to be among my noble colleagues, who always help out without complaining... They just do the job, and do it well, though they were probably "arrowed" to do it. And when I am with such noble company, I feel happy and at ease.

But what I gained more from the time, and the reason why a work-related post in on my thinking through writing blog, is because of what happened thereafter. I was going off already and I saw Prof. Leo Tan chatting to some people. I made sure my teeth were clean and went to talk to him.

I told him I was going to do my Ph.D with my supervisor, whom he said was a really good choice, and then he told me not to rush through the Ph.D, even if it takes faster or longer, but to focus on producing good work/research. And then... He told me to try to publish one or two paper from the Ph.D before I defend my thesis. as examiners are set at ease when they know that you have been examined by the community and found satisfactory. This was the same advice given by my undergraduate thesis advisor (it seems like some NUS Department of Biological Sciences mantra. lol).

And I also asked him about how he has tried so many things, things that he was not inclined towards. For example, he became a Marine Biologist because he feared water. And... He was at NIE for 18 years, though he only had experience with higher education. He told me he always does it first, so he is in a position to tell his students that they can and should do it too... He is such a credible person. He inspires me, because, I am of a similar background. I am a biologist by training, but educational researcher by career. Indeed, the example Prof. Leo Tan set for me, gives me courage to pursue a path less traveled. He told me to never shy away from jobs that nobody wants to do. :)

Okay, I wanted to share this post (perhaps by now, you realized how confusing this post is, about privilege, then a cool professor...) because recently my supervisor told me not to rush through my Ph.D. I had wanted to hurry through it, because... I think my first choice could have been to go overseas to start afresh, but now that I am living my second choice, this alternative plan, this Plan B of doing my Ph.D in Singapore, I thought I shouldn't spend so much time on it (my all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking at work).

So, I have been consistently pressurizing and scheduling myself in this way... I want to save $10, 000 a year, while doing my Ph.D and on my 3rd year, with my $30, 000 in tow, I am going to travel around the world, and forever leave my Singapore behind (for one year la). What would make someone like me so desire such a lifestyle? I have been under tremendous emotional distress over the past few years of my life, and I had really really really wanted to escape... It was only this year when I started getting treatment that I have found Singapore tolerable enough, that I did not mind staying on longer, and just take short trips out to explore the world.

As I once shared before I needed to explore the world because otherwise I struggle in my area of study of patriotism, as to know love for country, you must know the different countries, and for me, the way I know a country, is through being there and sensing the spirit of the nation. (Sorry, sound so iffy and cheem right?)

I side-tracked. But basically, I wanted to talk about now changing my life plan and strategy... It used to be quickly finish this Ph.D and move on. Come on, girl. You don't even know if academia if for you! See, you can't even speak to a crowd without shaking, you know so little, how to become a teacher or professor? Gosh, you don't even have a social sciences or humanities degree, and what, you want to teach undergraduates?

But now... I will speak more compassionately to myself. Hey, you don't have to rush through your Ph.D studies. You know what, you are so impressive. You do not have any background in the social sciences, and yet you have been doing so much better academically than many others who do have those backgrounds. You know, you are a learner and fighter. You have never stopped learning since you started on this path. Your ignorance did not stop you, but caused you to be more humble and knowledgeable. And look how brave you are to seek treatment for your social anxiety, and to continue to give speeches, attend conferences, network with other academics, despite the fear that you have. You know what, you're on the right track. I think you're going to turn out to be a brilliant scholar, a world-class scholar. You also have a good, kind and loving heart, one who wants to help others succeed and wants to nurture others. You definitely have a place in academia! So the next three or four years (maybe four ba), are for you to explore both your limits and potentials in academia. Go out bravely into the world, my child.

I am going to be a world-class scholar and academic. I shall slowly make my way there. :)

Reference
Single, P. B. (2009). Demystifying dissertation writing: A streamlined process from choice of topic to final text. Stylus Publishing, LLC.

Writing adventures

I've had this experience, and I just want to share it with you.

"Parentheses, digression, subset. Some little detail in what I was writing, perhaps just an image or phrase or parenthesis, seems to have a spark in it. I let it go and it ends up being the main point, the center of gravity. And what I had thought was the center of gravity turns out to be only a subsidiary part. The whole thing drastically changes its orientation. Even though most of the same elements are still there, it feels very different." (Elbow, 1973, p. 37)

Remember that paper I wrote that was rejected? I was obsessed with something called "social patriotism". I kept seeing in my data that unique to my participants was the idea that patriotism has got to do with kinship, with people, with community. But then... after rejection, I had a look at the thesis again, and realized that what was more fascinating was not the social stuff, but how the teachers' understandings were postmodern. They talked about world citizenship, about caring for people rather than abstract notions. They way they think about patriotism was quite unlike how people typically think about it - it was postmodern.

So there you have it, don't be afraid to write, and to change your mind about matters. Sometimes to get to one point, you have to go through another. Don't see that "another" as a waste of time, but a necessary step to take to get to your destination! :)

Elbow, P. (1973) Writing without teachers. London: Oxford University Press

Writing the Discussion

My friend, Nicholas, introduced this book called "How to write and publish a scientific paper" by Barbara Gastel and Robert A. Day to me. It's been one of my favourite writing books, even though it's science, rather than social science, focused. I had always found scientist to be more direct and clearer than social scientists. (Ops! Sorry about that!)

Okay, now, so these are the essential features and components of a good discussion, quoted directly from the 8th edition of the book (p. 76).

1. Try to present the principles, relationships, and generalizations shown by the results. And bear in mind, in a good discussion, you discuss - you do not recapitulate - the results.
2. Point out any exceptions or any lack of correlation and define unsettled points. Never take the high-risk alternative of trying to cover up or fudge data that do not quite fit in.
3. Show how your results and interpretations agree (or contrast) with previously published work.
4. Don't be shy; discuss the theoretical implications of your work, as well as any possible practical applications. 
5. State your conclusions as clearly as possible.
6. Summarize your evidence for each conclusion. Or, as the wise old scientist will tell you, "Never assume anything except a 4-percent mortgage." 

Gastel, B. and Day, R. A. (2016) How to write and publish a scientific paper. 8th edition. Santa Barbara: Greenwood

Q Methodology

This is the new methodology that I want to pick up and use for my Ph.D studies...

“Simply stated, Q technique is a set of procedures whereby a sample of objects is placed in a significant order with respect to a single person. In its most typical form, the sample involves statements of opinion (Q sample) that an individual rank-orders in terms of some condition of instruction – e.g., from “most agree” (+5) to “most disagree” (-5). The items so arrayed comprise what is called a Q sort. Q sorts obtained from several persons are normally correlated and factor-analyzed by any of the available statistical methods. Factors indicate clusters of persons who have ranked the statements in essentially the same fashion. Explanations of factors is advanced in terms of commonly shared attitudes or perspectives. Q methodology is the body of theory and principles that guides the application of technique, method, and explanation.
… The resultant factors point to categories of operant subjectivity, i.e., to persons bearing family resemblances in terms of subjectively shared viewpoints. All is subjective, yet the factors are grounded in concrete behavior, are usually reliable and easily replicated, and, happily, are subject to statistical summary which facilitates more careful description and comparison.” (Brown, 1980, pp. 5-6) 

Brown, S. R. (1980) Political subjectivity: Applications of Q Methodology in political science. Yale: Yale University.

What is an argument?

"Succinctly, an argument is a discourse intended to persuade. You persuade someone by engaging their doubts and providing evidence to overcome those doubts. A journal article, then, is a piece of writing that attempts to persuade a reader to believe in something. It expresses a point of view intended to influence.
...
More technically, an argument is a coherent series of statements in which the author leads the reader from certain premises to a particular conclusion. Thus, an argument always has at least two parts: a claim and evidence for that claim. A statement that is being supported is called the conclusion, hypothesis, or claim. A statement being offered as a support to another is called a premise, proof, or evidence. Whatever your argument (or thesis or conclusion) you must provide proof (or premises).
...
I use the term "argument" as shorthand for your article's significant idea, an idea you must support with proofs to persuade the reader that your point of view has validity.
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An argument is a dialectic between opposing positions that results in a decision. It is about the search for answers through exchange. This means that you do not need to have an unassailable argument, just an interesting one. A difficult truth is that those issues most worth arguing over almost never have all the evidence on one side or the other: Both sides have compelling proofs... To persuade readers, they must first have doubts, or believe that others have doubts that your argument is right. So, to construct a sound argument, build in a consideration of opposing voices. This is a mark of the best academic writers.
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It's a good writer's job to show that opposing arguments are understood and credited, but need not vitiate the claim. Good reasons exist on both sides of any important argument; your purpose is to present them and reach the best conclusion possible.
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In the social sciences, such openness often shows in the authors' description of the limitations of the study. The authors analyze their data as supporting their hypotheses, but admit that variations in sample or variables might have delivered a different conclusion.
...
an argument is about establishing a position through rational support." (Belcher, 2009, pp. 82-90)

Belcher, W. L. (2009) Writing your journal article in 12 weeks: A guide to academic publishing success. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

Becoming Better

I realized I remember things I read and what people tell me, though I am not conscious of it. Somehow whatever goes through my mind remains in me in one way or another. I am that mentally flexible. I realized as I am reading some columns I had read more than 5 years ago, that I still live by many of its principles. For example, I have deliberately chose to specialize in "patriotism" because I wanted to invest sufficient effort and time to become an expert. I had once read somewhere that to advance knowledge in an area, you need to go deep into it. Though somewhere else it says, you need to find that area of special interest to you, I still remember this metaphor of "digging deep" better than shallowly scooping top layers, and it has been something I live by.

So it is fascinating. My boss told me when I asked for feedback during my appraisal that the improvements one makes further down the line, the more familiar one becomes with one's work, the more one is like an expert, are less and less obvious. A beginner learns many things afresh, and it gives the impression of constant advancement. However, a more experienced researcher, would be polishing his skill. Improvement comes in smaller doses, like perhaps writing faster. I used to take 1 week to do something, and now I only take 1 day. And things like this. You may not pick up new skills, but you become better at old skills. So there, I have entered the next phase of my researcher life!

Growing

"Growing is certainly a proper word for what people and other living organisms do to arrive at a "grown" or "mature" state. They go through a series of changes and end up more complex and organized than when they started. It is no metaphor to speak of a person in the following way: "He really grew. Of course he's the same person he was, but he's also very different. Now he thinks, behaves, and sees things differently from the way he used to. I never would have expected him to end up this way." - Peter Elbow (1973), p. 22

"In any event, I advise you to treat words as though they are potentially able to grow. Learn to stand out of the way and provide the energy or force the words need to find their growth process. The words cannot go against entropy and end up more highly organized than when they started unless fueled by energy you provide. You must send that energy or electricity through the words in order, as it were, to charge them or ionize them or give them juice or whatever so that they have the life to go through the growing process." - Peter Elbow (1973) p. 24

This. He is talking about writing. But I am thinking about life, my life. And how it's really in a mess now. In some ways. I feel tired. I have an headache, likely caused by anxiety. It's like I feel stuck, I don't know what to do to grow. I feel limited and small, and I can't see the path ahead of me. I had booked a short holiday to Ho Chi Minh City at the end of the month, mainly to visit museums. But I am thinking that this may be good for me as a person in general, to let traveling and another environment open my eyes again. I have been jaded and tired by life and people, myself including. I want to feel that sense of growing again. It's been so long since I felt like I was growing.

I try to tidy my room. No, I did tidy my room and still am doing it. It's one of the ways I feel in control of my life. Like I really have a lot of control like that (sorry, Singlish here). It's a way I deal with anxiety, by doing something productive, yes tidying is something tangibly productive with an outcome. Things look in order and organized. :) It's the way I wish my life were.

Reference
Elbow, P. (1973) Writing without teachers. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.

Updates

You've not heard from me for awhile. The last you heard, I had been reading on literature on patriotic education in other parts of the world. Surprisingly, there turns out to be quite a bit of stuff from England. But what else have I been up to?

I have been writing my research proposal! Hence, beyond writing my literature review, I also worked on my methodology. I need to do that because of the budgeting. This is the really realistic aspect of research that those higher up will have to deal with. How long the research can last and how deep it can go depends on how much resources I can find to sustain it... If I do not have much time and money (needed to buy software, use programmes, employ part-time staff, transport to schools, overseas conferences...), I might have to keep it reasonably scaled. Perhaps, after I get my Ph.D, I can then again write more proposals to explore other areas and samples.

Yes, I am happy to now learn about the practicalities of being a researcher. So many decisions to make with regards to methodology. And... I am being adventurous, I want to try something new! It's called Q-methodology. I am happy that my adviser is open to learning this! It's a quantitative procedure to examine subjectivity!

I think I am attracted to this method because my adviser, through another professor, Keith Barton, first introduced me to something called "elicitation techniques". They are like little tasks you ask a participant to do before and while you interview them, to help them articulate their thoughts and to see visibly outside their mind their thoughts. They act as helpful prompts and guides during interviews to elicit rich data.

Yes... So the Q-Methodology is like a serious way of eliciting viewpoints! I am actually not very confident about mastering quantitative techniques. But you know what? I'm going to give it my best shot! To become trained and skilled in this methodology! Yes, what is a Ph.D without some challenges? :)

Venturing into new grounds

I thought of giving a bit of an update where I am at now in my study of patriotism and its education. Last year, I received some biting criticisms about the work I have been doing. (That is why I love peer review. They dare to say it in your face.) And it made me realized I know very little about patriotism in Europe or other places besides the USA, China and Hong Kong. It made me realized, I really have to brush up on my historical knowledge and be willing to learn more about countries that I knew very little about.

In particular, I am interested in Germany and Japan, because of the major role they played in WW2 as the aggressor, and how 'patriotism' would mean something very different to them compared to other countries, due to historical reasons. I am also reading up more about patriotism in Russia and post-Soviet countries. This one is hard for me. As I was never a history student, so I don't even know who is Stalin. I have found reading academic papers on citizenship education in these countries difficult, because I lacked contextual knowledge. (Maybe I should really made a trip to Japan and visit a museum. This way of learning works for me. Being there in the country and sensing the place.)

So this is what I have been doing lately, I have put aside the USA, China and Hong Kong works, because they really skew how you think about patriotic education and the world. The American and Chinese governments are very pro-patriotism and its inculcation in schools. They can afford to. They are big countries, and powerful, and their people have a lot to be proud of. They are powerful enough to provide their people with a generally good standard of living and they have not been invaded in a big way like the other smaller and weaker states. Hong Kong also seems like it simply wants to be different from China and more like America, in the sense of wanting to be far from communism/socialism, and near to liberalism. So these three units of study are very well aligned.

But... There are countries that do not believe in patriotism in citizens. My friend told me that Spain is one of them. There's no need at all to link citizenship with patriotism. I can be a good and loyal citizen, without any emotional attachment to my country. So yes, now I am interested in these other countries. I want to see if I can form another framework of patriotism. It means I have to broaden my search of literature. Some of these works are hidden you know, in books, that are published by European publishers which I have never heard of before. So yes, that's what I have been doing. I have been reading up more about patriotism and its education in countries that are quieter about patriotism.

I believe there are probably such hidden works about patriotism in other Southeast Asian countries, like the Philippines, Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand... But yes... How do I find them? I would love to know more about these countries as well...

Reason VS Feeling

"The history of our culture is often experienced as a battle between reason and feeling, rationality and irrationality, logic and impulse. Because intuitive first order thinking is indissolubly mixed up with feeling, irrationality, and impulse, we end up in an adversarial situation where disciplined critical thinking and uncensored creative thinking face each other uneasily from entrenched positions. It seems as though logic and reason have just barely and only recently won the battle to be our standard for thinking, and therefore advocates of reason and logic tend to criticize all relaxations of critical vigilance. Similarly, champions of creative first order thinking sometimes feel they must criticize critical thinking, if only to win some legitimacy for themselves. But this is an unfortunate historical and developmental accident. If we would see clearly the truth about thinking and writing we would see that the situation is not either/or, it's both/and: the more first order thinking, the more second order thinking, and vice versa. It's a matter of learning to work on opposites one at a time in a spirit of mutual reinforcement rather than in a spirit of fearful combat." (pp. 30-31)

Peter Elbow in Re-thinking Reason: New Perspectives in Critical Thinking by Kerry S. Walters

Reflections on Reading the Proof for APJE

I write now to capture the immediate and most honest reactions.

I was appalled by my writing style in the first half of the paper, where I synthesized literature. I finally understood what one reviewer meant when he said, "I know what this and that guy think, but what do YOU think?" I realized in the flurry of quotation marks and my concern with rightly attributing everything to someone, I lost my voice. My friends who read my draft gave me similar feedback that the style was really bad. I was too deep into that process and too cluttered in my mind at that point to have made stylistic changes. So yes, that is evidence of amateurish writing. It is very amateurish indeed.

But when I got to the second part of the article where I am less concerned with citation and attribution, but could use my own words with ease, I wrote well. I wrote clear. I heard Shuyi's voice. I know it's my voice when I use "cute" words. I am not a very good English speaker or someone with a lot of vocabulary, so I use "cute" words to express my emotions. I love it. I can recognize Shuyi's voice. It's cute. :) And I felt I rightly highlighted the teachers' teaching style, while protecting them, by saying how sensitive they were and when they were critical, it was only out of love for the country. These two are my favourite teachers. I really think they are the most awesome teachers I've ever met.

So there you go. I have some work to do, to figure out all the Author's Queries (AQ) and how to input into the paper these corrections. Let's see how it goes now.

Academic Humility

Our fears are reflected in our writing. When we are afraid and we put up a defense to protect ourselves, we do things like overly hedge ourselves, pre-empting others' possible attacks or attack others to distract them from our weaknesses. It shows up in my writing, very visibly. Have you read someone's work and you did not like it, and did not know why? Perhaps, like me, they were defensive, and not truly open and inquiring, nor accepting and respecting of the intelligences of others. Even in my normal conversations, my parents have pointed out this defensive style of arguing that I have as well.

I've started reading a book by Andrew Bernstein (2010) called The Myth of Stress and at the chapter on conflict resolution, I received a powerful lesson on academic humility (or for real life, just humility). Academia is basically an arena and contest of ideas by different scholars. So foundational to academia, then, is how scholars behave towards one another, not only face-to-face but in how we write about their work. Do we put them down and not see the relevance of others' work to our own? Have we forgotten that the reason we have written something in that field was inspired by works of these pioneer scholars? What audacity to attack without respect what our predecessors have said and found!

The following are quotations from Bernstein (2010)'s book that spoke to my scholarly heart, though he had not intended it to.

This is the root of all strife and conflict in academia. A lesson that if we all muster, will lead to much more peace, and more respect for individuals and academic freedom:

Even if you think you're right, you can learn to respect the intelligence behind their position.

For this one, it helps us understand why scholars hold on so tightly to their beliefs, and why they reject ours. They are living in a context and system that reinforces what they believe, just like we are living in a different context and system that reinforces our own.

In reality, they should not see it my way at this time because people they trust are reinforcing their views.

In reality, they should not see it my way at this time because instead of listening to their side and having a calm exchange of perspectives, I've polarized our relationship by attacking or withdrawing, and this makes their seeing things my way at this time almost impossible, even if I am right.

Yes, the issue is not whether you are right or wrong. We cannot all be right, and all the time be right, sometimes we will be wrong. We can position our arguments firmly and strongly, without doing it in a manner that pushes others away. Think about it. Do you know how to lose?

Even if you are right, this kind of behavior pushes people away from seeing your point of view and tends to make them adhere to their own perspectives even more strongly.

Conflict takes place when one party thinks the other party's opinion isn't just different - it's wrong.

Knowing how to lose doesn't mean that you want to lose going forward. It means that when you do lose, you can recover quickly. Everyone loses sometime, but those who don't know how to lose will continue to dig themselves in deeper and drag others down with them. Those who do know how to lose, on the other hand, are able to quickly see their mistake and take full responsibility for this, making things easier for themselves and others.

Learning how to lose takes some practice, but it leads to great gains in the bigger picture.

I truly believe if I carry this attitude into my writing, my writing will be more respected by experts of the field (my reviewers) and be of much more use to readers. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. I'm just highlighting a case in Singapore when things are different from how others have said things had worked out in Hong Kong or the USA. I don't have to say they are wrong and I am right. We can both be right or wrong in the bigger scheme of things. My idea and findings supplement what others have found. Yes, it doesn't negate their work, it supplements their work and give the existing literature a more rounded feel, when previously it was more squarish.

Bernstein, A. (2010). The Myth of Stress: Where Stress Really Comes From and How to Live a Happier and Healthier Life. Atria Books. (I read the kindle version.)

Information Overload and Management

I have so much books and printed journal articles. Recently, I have been on a personal campaign to tidy up my room, using Marie Kondo (2014)'s "The life-changing magic of tidying up".

I saw this, and I thought it made sense to us, academics or scholars. I've seen the principle in other books as well, but since I have it ready here:

"Recently, I have noticed that having fewer books actually increases the impact of the information I read. I recognize necessary information much more easily. Many of my clients, particularly those who have disposed of a substantial number of books and papers, have also mentioned this. For books, timing is everything. The moment you first encounter a particular book is the right time to read it. To avoid missing that moment, I recommend that you keep your collection small."

Some scholars similarly recommend immediately reading something that catches your eye, instead of storing it to be read in a future date, which usually does not happen. :)

Kondo, M. (2014). The life-changing magic of tidying up: The Japanese art of decluttering and organizing. Berkeley: Ten Speed Press

Languages and access to literature

I had a nightmare last night. My nightmares are always reflective of my anxieties during the daytime. So what happened was that I was asked to purchase a book from this publisher or company, whatever you call it, http://waxmann.com/. And it was mainly in German and for many of these companies, they do not deduct your credit card money immediately, but it seems like someone will work on it some time later after you purchased something. So, I was worried I was scammed, and this is not a real company.

I woke up in the middle of the night to access the website again. And to my relief, it looked credible. It's just that it favours publications in German, so perhaps they were reaching out to a German audience and we English-speakers, hear very little about these publishers. And just to try my luck, I search on their website "patriotism", hoping to find some useful resources.

And I found one article that was related to my topic! It's called "Russian Concepts of Patriotism and their Reflection in the Education System Today" by James Muckle: http://www.pedocs.de/volltexte/2012/3312/pdf/TC_1_2003_muckl_D_A.pdf

Wow, you know, I have been searching for articles and books for so long, and these wonderful pieces of work always seem to escape me, and I still stumble upon them. They're not on the search engines or google scholar. It's wonderful that this Englishman, an expert on Russia, has written on Russia. It's wonderful to me, because it's much easier to read such pieces compared to translations of works from other languages. Translations always seem rather convoluted in their language and it's effortful for me to read them. But with this writer, I feel that I can touch the soul of the Russians. It's different from reading something written from the Russian perspective. For this article, I could sense the writer's fascination and love for Russia.

Okay, why this post? We have often hear of the need to pick up another language to access resources on our research interests only available in those languages. I agree. I feel that, particularly my topic on patriotism, many of the works out there I have no access to, particularly the works I need to give me a holistic picture of patriotism in the world. I mainly read things from the American or English-speaking people's perspective and it's very different from the other ways of experiencing patriotism from the non-American and non-English speaking people's perspective.

But language has never been a strength for me. Maybe I'm not tenacious enough. I've struggled with basic Japanese and French. I think I have had some success with sign language though. ;) If I were to really pick up another language... Which language should I pick up?