No one can convince me that writing a 50 page single-sided document proposing a study that one wants to do is an easy feat. Writing that document takes months of thinking, months of reading and collecting of relevant data and information, months of speaking to people about it, considering possibilities, speaking to potential research participants, other scholars, your supervisor, your friends... It takes more than a scholarly mind but a meticulous planner who attends to details, yet who has to also keep the big picture in mind. It takes guts to face your fears and insecurities in the process of creating something new in this PhD, wherever they lie, whether in your own intelligence or scholarly skills or your social and marketing skills.
That 23,597 words did not come by fluke. It did not just appear. You worked hard on it over a period of months, and for some, years! Yes, it can be improved, and people are going to give you feedback to improve it. But, you, never belittle that work that you've done or allow people to shred it to pieces. It did not just mysteriously appear. It appeared because you invested time, energy, hard work, blood, and tears into it.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Impostor Syndrome
We hear about this so often. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore. After all, research isvery much a job that I do for a living. But now that I am doing my PhD and being a master of my own destiny and research direction and trajectory, having to recruit my own schools and convince others that my presence is more a blessing than a curse...
This impostor syndrome thingie is rearing its face.
I find myself questioning the rigor of my study, my own intentions of conducting research, and whether I know what I am doing. I don't know for certain what I am researching will make a big impact or contribution. At this stage, I can only guess.
Yet, when I meet with others, I need to be as confident as I can be, whether to my supervisor, to my reviewers and examiners, and most importantly to my research participants who are to give me their valuable time and input.
It comforts me when I read "The Journalist and the Murderer" that people like to talk when there's someone listening. At the very least, I am giving a fair hearing to the views and opinions of my research participants.
It troubles me... People see me as a lot better a researcher than I see myself. Maybe this is at the heart of the impostor syndrome.
It's a jarring feeling and not comfortable at all. It feels like I am a fake. It doesn't make sense to others why I would feel this way. I have published works, I can write research proposals, I have been around for some time...
Stand up tall, Shuyi. We will figure this thing out. The only comfort I have right now is that this impostor syndrome seems common in academia, so maybe professors will understand it. But what I need to deal with now is that in the real world, people look at body language, and yes, your confidence, and they judge based on it. So I will do well to portray myself and my research well.
This impostor syndrome thingie is rearing its face.
I find myself questioning the rigor of my study, my own intentions of conducting research, and whether I know what I am doing. I don't know for certain what I am researching will make a big impact or contribution. At this stage, I can only guess.
Yet, when I meet with others, I need to be as confident as I can be, whether to my supervisor, to my reviewers and examiners, and most importantly to my research participants who are to give me their valuable time and input.
It comforts me when I read "The Journalist and the Murderer" that people like to talk when there's someone listening. At the very least, I am giving a fair hearing to the views and opinions of my research participants.
It troubles me... People see me as a lot better a researcher than I see myself. Maybe this is at the heart of the impostor syndrome.
It's a jarring feeling and not comfortable at all. It feels like I am a fake. It doesn't make sense to others why I would feel this way. I have published works, I can write research proposals, I have been around for some time...
Stand up tall, Shuyi. We will figure this thing out. The only comfort I have right now is that this impostor syndrome seems common in academia, so maybe professors will understand it. But what I need to deal with now is that in the real world, people look at body language, and yes, your confidence, and they judge based on it. So I will do well to portray myself and my research well.
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