Monday, October 1, 2018

Random thoughts

Okay, this blog is called "Thinking Through Writing," and I am going to do a bit of thinking now. Don't mind me, please.

I was reading a bit of my old blog posts. I did have positive experiences doing the PhD too. Someone on Quora said I would find my voice through graduate studies. I don't know if the PhD experience really did that for me.

However, working as a research assistant/associate, under my supervisor and boss, Jasmine, did do something like that for me. She helped me discover that I really like writing. She encouraged me to do more of it. She thought I was pretty good at it. It's not a big deal really, except, I have never been really good at anything.

I am good at putting a thread through a needle hole, I always tell people. I think I am good with my hands, but I haven't done a lot with it. Except now, maybe to type and to write.

So for a poor girl who thought so poorly of herself, I guess working in an academic environment that places such a high premium on being able to publish, did boost my confidence and make me feel good about myself.

Did I tell you also that I am a very loyal person? If my boss needed me, I will be there.

Okay but what was wrong was that I actually don't really like my topic. I know this sounds terrible to you. Why am I studying a topic I do not like? Simply because I could do it.

I am sighing as I type all these.

Don't you wish you had a career counselor to guide you in your life from the moment you were born. I feel like I've been stumbling around. So I have this thought at the back of my head that I want to be in healthcare.

I actually really like helping people. I was banking on helping people to write when I graduate from the PhD. I have no interest to teach anything else, besides writing, I have little interest in my topic as I have said, in research methodologies...

I think we potentially could have many careers in our lifetime. I am of that thinking, we have many talents and skills, and we don't have to stick to that one job.

I don't really know how to explain myself.

But within me there it was brewing - this desire to quit the PhD - and whenever I think about quitting it and pursuing something else, a joy and excitement comes to my heart that lifts me out of the depression that has been plaguing me.

Then I would wonder, why am I always depressed.

So this is my story and my jumbled up thoughts.

My boss told me that my youth will be gone soon and I'm only young once. 10 years later, it's going to be hard for me to change my career and job.

You may think it's too good to be true. How is it possible we suddenly stumble upon a new career and it is the right one for us for that season of our lives? I think my research one has been the right one for me for the past 10 years of my life. And perhaps, it is just time to move on. Maybe for you, you don't think depression is a sign of that.

But I am wondering if it's a sign for me. I am someone who bubbles with a lot of energy and enthusiasm and excitement to tackle what's before me. Something is not right when I'm dragging my feet out of my bed every day. Maybe you say it's normal to have low periods. Maybe I say, it's time for a change.

Quitting the PhD

I haven't told you yet, the most important group of people - those who read and care about my academic journey - that I have been thinking about quitting the PhD.

This is a common thought that goes through the minds of people doing the PhD, but for me, this time, I feel I am serious.

The past year - especially the past few months - I have been rather depressed. This again, sounds very normal for a PhD student, but this depression didn't jar well with me.

I get depressed whenever my life is misaligned with my values. I know you might say, "This is just life. Deal with it. You make some wrong decisions, you stick with them."

I have so many thoughts about this. How did I lend myself up doing this PhD? Can I tolerate another few years of this? Should I hold on? If I give up, what would I do?

Maybe some of you can tolerate depression. Or maybe your life circumstances force you to do so. Maybe you really need the degree, maybe you are on a scholarship, maybe you really want to be an academic.

But for me, I think I am at a stage of my life, that I wish to do something good and true and meaningful for myself. If depression can be cured by making one decision, I would make it.

I don't want to spend everyday crying and pondering about the meaning of life. I want to seek that meaning for myself. And if it cannot be found in my current life state and situation and through my current career, then I want to seek another path for myself.

I did not have the courage to do this for myself last year, even though I already knew I did not want this PhD. Will I have enough courage to do it for myself this year?