Losing Focus

Recently, I have been losing passion for my "first love". Research has become a job, rather than a passion. I no longer wish I could be a Ph.D student forever, now I count the years, and want to complete it as soon as possible. I no longer look with wonder and passion and curiosity at the world, but look at it very academically and technically and dryly... I no longer research to change the world, I have let research changed me.

I realized this today, when I watch other researchers talk about their "first love" with so much care and so much passion.

And today, I want to reignite that love and resow those seeds. Thank you A. for the encouragement. Today, I want to find back my voice in research. I want to find that passion burning in my heart and say it to an audience passionately once again.

Presentations are about the message and the audience, we tweak the message according to the direction the conference is going. We don't memorize a dead script and repeat it mindlessly. This year, I will try to get it right. :) Shuyi, don't waver, don't keep tweaking your message according to other peoples' messages. Find your own message and speak it.

And don't put down yourself and speak bad things about yourself anymore. Stop. You are sincerely doing your best already. No one can fault you for it. Even if people do fault you, you know the truth, so stop being so mean and harsh to yourself. Instead, be kind and gentle, and curious with yourself. And do the same to and for others.

Reading what you previously wrote 2

I just read this second paper. This one was more difficult for me, because I had sent copies of this article to my participants. Oh boy, you don't know how much courage that requires! To get feedback and critique from those whose opinions you value most, from those who have given you their trust to sit through their lessons, talk to them, and make analysis and judgments on their teaching.

I did receive some negative feedback, which unraveled me for awhile. Not doing something does not necessarily mean ignorance. True. But yes, as David Burns said,

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.”
― David D. Burns

“After all, this is how you learned how to walk. You didn't just jump up from your crib one day and waltz gracefully across the room. You stumbled and fell on your face and got up and tried again. At what age are you suddenly expected to know everything and never make any more mistakes? If you can love and respect yourself in failure, worlds of adventure and new experiences will open up before you, and your fears will vanish.”
― David D. Burns

“The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnerability to the opinions of others. Like any addict, you will find you must continue to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdrawal pangs. The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully, just like the junkie who can no longer get his “stuff.” Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You will have to give in to their demands more often than you want to because you fear they might reject or look down on you. You set yourself up for emotional blackmail.”
― David D. Burns, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

Reading what you previously wrote

I just read through the first article I published with my adviser. It was the first time, after 2 years that I had done so. I do not know why I had such great fear of reading it after it was published. Rather than feeling good and proud, I was worried, ashamed and afraid. I was concerned that it wasn't good enough, and I would spot things I would be embarrassed about. I was slightly mortified that now my work was available for public scrutiny.

I think I felt that way because of the way I think about myself and my work, and the expectations I had. I hope one day I can write a book on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Graduate Students. I want to examine the thoughts that graduate students have, and certain phenomena such as imposter's syndrome that are common among budding academics, and to address them headon, so that we can once and for all get rid of certain myths widespread in academia.

For example, we are never brilliant enough. It's true, so what is the point scolding yourself when you make mistakes and saying, "I'm not good enough." For my case, I should calmly read my published articles. Yes, they could have been better written, but this was a work written by the Shuyi 2 years ago! Remember, back then, she struggled even to write a complete article. The fact that it was published, actually is quite a feat! So instead of beating her up for writing a not-good-enough article, I want you to congratulate her for her courage and effort!

Yes, I want to eventually write a book like this, if it has not already been written. I want to write a David Burns version for graduate students. It would include chapters on Public Speaking (for conference presentations), on Social Anxiety (for networking sessions), on Interviews (for taking your first job and getting your scholarship)... Wouldn't this be a great book?

Okay, now I have to read my second article. Go ahead, read it, and don't scold yourself while reading it. Instead, enjoy the fruit of your labor. Enjoy that that publication is your reward. :)

Public Speaker

How ironic that my dream jobs all required some form of public speaking, though I have rather severe public speaking anxiety. :) 

I wanted to teach, to pastor, to motivate... 

Right now... I have two academic presentations coming up... I have about 10 days to prepare. I am going to treat this as a chance to fulfill my childhood dreams. 

I want to prepare well and treat the audience as my students, my congregations, my motivation and do a good one.

All the best little girl! You are brave and courageous and feisty! :) I know you're scared, but you are going to do well. You have a heart of a lion, you're a fighter. You are sincere in doing a job to inspire, to educate, and to give unto others. 

Prepare well and you'll do fine. Don't worry about it.

Ph.D Privilege

I was serving as an usher for my institute today during the Teachers' Investiture Ceremony. I think I could have been the most polite usher ever, "Hello, excuse me, do you mind moving in a bit/standing up for a while..." I am just so uncomfortable doing this, and asking others to do things, things they may not want to do. But it was nice to help out, and to be among my noble colleagues, who always help out without complaining... They just do the job, and do it well, though they were probably "arrowed" to do it. And when I am with such noble company, I feel happy and at ease.

But what I gained more from the time, and the reason why a work-related post in on my thinking through writing blog, is because of what happened thereafter. I was going off already and I saw Prof. Leo Tan chatting to some people. I made sure my teeth were clean and went to talk to him.

I told him I was going to do my Ph.D with my supervisor, whom he said was a really good choice, and then he told me not to rush through the Ph.D, even if it takes faster or longer, but to focus on producing good work/research. And then... He told me to try to publish one or two paper from the Ph.D before I defend my thesis. as examiners are set at ease when they know that you have been examined by the community and found satisfactory. This was the same advice given by my undergraduate thesis advisor (it seems like some NUS Department of Biological Sciences mantra. lol).

And I also asked him about how he has tried so many things, things that he was not inclined towards. For example, he became a Marine Biologist because he feared water. And... He was at NIE for 18 years, though he only had experience with higher education. He told me he always does it first, so he is in a position to tell his students that they can and should do it too... He is such a credible person. He inspires me, because, I am of a similar background. I am a biologist by training, but educational researcher by career. Indeed, the example Prof. Leo Tan set for me, gives me courage to pursue a path less traveled. He told me to never shy away from jobs that nobody wants to do. :)

Okay, I wanted to share this post (perhaps by now, you realized how confusing this post is, about privilege, then a cool professor...) because recently my supervisor told me not to rush through my Ph.D. I had wanted to hurry through it, because... I think my first choice could have been to go overseas to start afresh, but now that I am living my second choice, this alternative plan, this Plan B of doing my Ph.D in Singapore, I thought I shouldn't spend so much time on it (my all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking at work).

So, I have been consistently pressurizing and scheduling myself in this way... I want to save $10, 000 a year, while doing my Ph.D and on my 3rd year, with my $30, 000 in tow, I am going to travel around the world, and forever leave my Singapore behind (for one year la). What would make someone like me so desire such a lifestyle? I have been under tremendous emotional distress over the past few years of my life, and I had really really really wanted to escape... It was only this year when I started getting treatment that I have found Singapore tolerable enough, that I did not mind staying on longer, and just take short trips out to explore the world.

As I once shared before I needed to explore the world because otherwise I struggle in my area of study of patriotism, as to know love for country, you must know the different countries, and for me, the way I know a country, is through being there and sensing the spirit of the nation. (Sorry, sound so iffy and cheem right?)

I side-tracked. But basically, I wanted to talk about now changing my life plan and strategy... It used to be quickly finish this Ph.D and move on. Come on, girl. You don't even know if academia if for you! See, you can't even speak to a crowd without shaking, you know so little, how to become a teacher or professor? Gosh, you don't even have a social sciences or humanities degree, and what, you want to teach undergraduates?

But now... I will speak more compassionately to myself. Hey, you don't have to rush through your Ph.D studies. You know what, you are so impressive. You do not have any background in the social sciences, and yet you have been doing so much better academically than many others who do have those backgrounds. You know, you are a learner and fighter. You have never stopped learning since you started on this path. Your ignorance did not stop you, but caused you to be more humble and knowledgeable. And look how brave you are to seek treatment for your social anxiety, and to continue to give speeches, attend conferences, network with other academics, despite the fear that you have. You know what, you're on the right track. I think you're going to turn out to be a brilliant scholar, a world-class scholar. You also have a good, kind and loving heart, one who wants to help others succeed and wants to nurture others. You definitely have a place in academia! So the next three or four years (maybe four ba), are for you to explore both your limits and potentials in academia. Go out bravely into the world, my child.

I am going to be a world-class scholar and academic. I shall slowly make my way there. :)

Reference
Single, P. B. (2009). Demystifying dissertation writing: A streamlined process from choice of topic to final text. Stylus Publishing, LLC.