Growing

"Growing is certainly a proper word for what people and other living organisms do to arrive at a "grown" or "mature" state. They go through a series of changes and end up more complex and organized than when they started. It is no metaphor to speak of a person in the following way: "He really grew. Of course he's the same person he was, but he's also very different. Now he thinks, behaves, and sees things differently from the way he used to. I never would have expected him to end up this way." - Peter Elbow (1973), p. 22

"In any event, I advise you to treat words as though they are potentially able to grow. Learn to stand out of the way and provide the energy or force the words need to find their growth process. The words cannot go against entropy and end up more highly organized than when they started unless fueled by energy you provide. You must send that energy or electricity through the words in order, as it were, to charge them or ionize them or give them juice or whatever so that they have the life to go through the growing process." - Peter Elbow (1973) p. 24

This. He is talking about writing. But I am thinking about life, my life. And how it's really in a mess now. In some ways. I feel tired. I have an headache, likely caused by anxiety. It's like I feel stuck, I don't know what to do to grow. I feel limited and small, and I can't see the path ahead of me. I had booked a short holiday to Ho Chi Minh City at the end of the month, mainly to visit museums. But I am thinking that this may be good for me as a person in general, to let traveling and another environment open my eyes again. I have been jaded and tired by life and people, myself including. I want to feel that sense of growing again. It's been so long since I felt like I was growing.

I try to tidy my room. No, I did tidy my room and still am doing it. It's one of the ways I feel in control of my life. Like I really have a lot of control like that (sorry, Singlish here). It's a way I deal with anxiety, by doing something productive, yes tidying is something tangibly productive with an outcome. Things look in order and organized. :) It's the way I wish my life were.

Reference
Elbow, P. (1973) Writing without teachers. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.