Literature Review is on the way...

I have been sorting ideas and then... I started categorizing ideas. More than half of my ideas I did not know how to fit together. But those I knew how, I started writing about them. Two days ago, I read what I have written and tried to strand them together. Today, I looked at the rest of the ideas and try to see how I could fit them into the current structure...

This is how writing the literature review at its early stages feel to me! And now, I am on holiday in Phuket.

I think a part of me wants to be a living example of how PhD student can do a good job with the PhD and still have lots of fun and time for personal development and to pursue his or her interests. Gosh. This is happening in my mind. Though probably whatever I’m doing now won’t change the statistics that a high percentage of graduate students are depressed... :(

Updates...

Ah... It's been about three weeks since I gave some deeper thought to my PhD, thesis, research... What have I been up to? I've been busy with work again.

Yesterday, I gave a Q-Method workshop to my team, because we are going to use Q-Method for our project. I did not have a lot of time to prepare. I only knew one week in advance. And last week was a particularly packed week, stretching me really thin. I was also attending the William Trubridge Dynamic No Fins Workshop. I used pockets of time and tried to max them fully to prepare for the workshop.

Intuitively, I mindmapped what I wanted to cover in the workshop and what information I lacked, and needed to find out in preparation of the workshop. The activities for my participants were easier to prepare because essentially, I wanted them to do a Q-sort and interpret the results.

I did have difficulty with the analysis, as you know, statistics has never been my strength. But I told them that part I cannot explain well and maybe next time, we will all read up on that.

And now that it's over... on  hindsight, it was fun preparing for the workshop... Introducing something new and cool to people... Trying to help them see why this method was good...

I think I approached it my own way, choosing resources from what I have previously come across...

You know... I was able to give that workshop because last year I gave it a go. Last year, I conducted a mini study out of the larger study. Did you know that I underwent a lot of stress to conduct that mini study? I have fear of asking favours. And I had to call up many teachers to ask for a favour. I had to design the study, the question, Q set... Learn the analysis... I even flew to New Orleans to attend a workshop, present my "findings" and ended up seeking help to re-analyse my findings. I spent $700 on an online program - Q Assessor to enable participants to do that online sort. I had a short timeline and I had to find the most time efficient manner to conduct and complete the study. I had added anxiety because of other issues as well happening behind the scene.

I must say it wasn't easy living with anxiety. And high anxiety. I don't want to make doing a PhD look ugly. I have had this anxiety issue since I was very young. And it permeates throughout what I do as I grew older. And last year was the year I decided to seek professional help to overcome it and not be controlled by it. I was very proactive. I think that's one thing good about me. I may be very anxious but it doesn't stop me from doing the thing that makes me anxious.

This year, the anxiety problems seems to have reduced in my academic life. I don't know. I wish very much to find my own voice in academia. To care less what others think and really hold my own.

So that's the backstory to how I ended up giving a Q-Method workshop yesterday. If not for that arduous journey, I wouldn't be here. But that journey was nice as well. I made friends in New Orleans, I discovered the Q community, and a fun method to use... Yes, I gasped as well, when I hear myself use the word "fun" on statistics.

So... the journey continues... The multiple changes in my PhD direction means that I wouldn't be using this Q-Method, but I guess I still passed it on. And it doesn't hurt for an academic to be well-versed in a number of techniques?

So... my journey continues!

scholars, watch out for enemy #1 - ignorance

"It is my thesis that what schools do not teach may be as important as what they do teach. I argue this position because ignorance is not simply a neutral void; it has important effects on the kinds of options one is able to consider, the alternatives that one can examine, and the perspectives from which one can view a situation or problems. The absence of a set of considerations or perspectives or the inability to use certain processes for appraising a context biases the evidence one is able to take into account. A parochial perspective or simplistic analysis is the inevitable progeny of ignorance." - Elliot W. Eisner

My best writing tip

At the moment where you are filled with excitement about a new idea or topic, stop.

I discovered this serendipitously. I have a weakness when I write. I tend to get into a state where I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I write a lot from emotions rather than thinking. When I am overwhelmed, I have to stop. My heart just cannot continue. What I learned from this is that, it makes me anticipate coming back to my writing, because I know there are things undone and fun to write about when I resume in the future.

I saw this in this book called The Writer's Way by Jack Rawlins and Stephen Metzger (7th edition):

"9. Quit when you're hot, persist when you're not. Ernest Hemingway is said to have always quit writing when he knew exactly what was going to happen next, not when he ran out of things to say. That way, he was always excited about going to work the next day instead of dreading it. Hemingway understood that every time you stop writing, whether it's for five minutes or five months, you run the risk of finding out you're blocked when you come back. Get around the problem by quitting when you're hot. Take a break on a winning note, not a losing one. Stop writing when things are going well, when you feel strong and know where you're going next. When you're at a loss, don't let yourself quit; stick with it until the block dissolves, words come, and you've triumphed momentarily.

The principle behind this is basic behavior modification. If you quit when you're stuck, you're in fact rewarding your failure: you're learning that if you get stuck you get the reward of getting to eat, to stretch, to escape. If you stick it out, wait until the words come, and then quit, you reward success. At first it seems contrary to logic: why stop when the words are flowing? The answer is only apparent when you try it: if you quit when you feel good about writing, you feel good all during the break and come back to the computer feeling strong. If you quit when you're stuck, your break is filled with dread and worry, and the return to the computer feels like the climb to the scaffold. 

The longer the break, the more important it is to quit knowing what you'll do next. When I break for five minutes, I want to know what sentence I'm going to write when I come back, when I break for the day, I typically finish with a sketchy paragraph summary of where the discussion is going in the next few passages - a map of tomorrow's journey." (pp. 58-9) 

Dipping and the Deep Dive into Research

I notice stages in my personal experience of research. Usually it begins slowly, like a sampling of literature until you get a taste of the field, and slowly but surely, you start to form a map or bigger picture... It is still sketchy, but I feel like I'm on an exponential curve...

The more I read, the more I know, the more excited I become. It's like I slowly dip my feet into the waters, and then I immerse myself and then I make a duck dive and dive deep into the research.

It is very satisfying. Almost like the more you know, the more convicted you are of the purpose and importance of your research. It's like solving a puzzle and putting together pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.

Gosh... I always make doing a PhD sound like so much fun, don't I?

I'm just starting out and far from consolidating my ideas and all but just thought of celebrating this very moment where I feel free and good about my research.

Excited. :)

Taking up my identity as PhD student again...

There's so many things going on nowadays that I just might forget that I am doing my PhD. I am someone with a great sense of responsibility, so I don't often neglect my commitments for long and when I have relegated one to the side, there's always a nagging voice within to pick it back up again.

So I think today is the day that I resume full responsibility for my PhD studies, including facing fears of the unknown, meeting people, and reading up on things, and being a true-thinker-scholar. I am no longer going to give excuses that I'm not that kind of scholar (not keen on politics etc) or that kind of person (not extroverted etc).

I will be whoever I need to be for the next 3-4 years to get my PhD completed. (And watch my life expand.)

I think it is my responsibility as a training scholar to take scholarship and knowledge seriously. And that for me would include world events and news and history. I hope to be well read in terms of context and all.

Yesterday I was watching some YouTube videos about Catalonia and yes, I think that kind of direction is what I need to take. To give myself a broad base of learning and knowledge so I can build my scholarship upon a solid foundation.

So last week I closed a writing chapter. This week I will open a reading one. I am going to be a reader. Read widely, think deeply.

And I will plan when I want to do my confirmation. I will plan some deadlines into my schedule. And I will meet them. This way, I will be moving forward.

Watch this space!

Performance anxiety

We often hear about graduate students becoming depressed and all. I myself am very prone to anxiety. Just typing that A word made my palms sweaty. I think one of my biggest fears (probably silliest on hindsight) is attending conferences and meeting all these very established scholars and having to shake their hands. This is/was very difficult for me because I am also socially very shy and public situations trigger this sweaty palm condition, which makes me even more embarrassed than I already am.

Maybe I need to challenge this. So what if a big shot frowns at my palms, wipes them off his pants, looks at me with disgust and walks away?

Nothing. That's fine with me if someone chooses to conclude who I am based on a first impression.

Wait, but I am here not to talk about graduate school mental health issues, though I feel I have sufficient experiences to talk about it.

I wanted to write how I am mysteriously not very nervous about a workshop I am going to give soon and to a big crowd next Friday. This is in contrast to my big bout of nervousness needing to teach intermediate English to non-native speakers in June. And also giving presentations in classes. Maybe I feel less watched, I don't know. I get tense when I feel I am being watched.

Maybe I am thinking that I really have an important message to share. I may not share it very well, but I still want to share it, because it resonates with my heart. M may think this is not right, the teacher must give the students what they want, not only what she wants to give... I don't know... It's so hard for me, maybe I need to learn to balance this, but that burning message in my heart distracts me from caring how people would think of me.

It's almost like, you can think the worst of me, but still, please listen to this message.

Maybe for us, graduate students, we can develop such a relationship to our PhD work and believe in it so strongly, we can be so confident even before people in authority who put us down.

I also care less how big a shot you are. I don't know how this happened. Maybe after visiting a very rude doctor. Or maybe after aging a few more years and gaining authority over younger ones by simple virtue of age. But I realized what I value in a person is not his intelligence, not his wealth, not his power; but his kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, and lovingness. To me, I will respect people who have the latter set of characteristics. I just value them more, I don't know why. Maybe you do too. :)

So don't try to impress me with your intelligence if you don't have the heart to care that your intelligence is not harming other people and making them feel stupid.

the thrill of seeing oneself in print

“I understood immediately the thrill of seeing oneself in print. It provides some sort of primal verification: you are in print; therefore you exist. Who knows what this urge is all about, to appear somewhere outside yourself, instead of feeling stuck inside your muddled but stroboscopic mind, peering out like a little undersea animal – a spiny blenny, for instance – from inside your tiny cave? Seeing yourself in print is such an amazing concept: you can get so much attention without having to actually show up somewhere. While other who have something to say or want to be effectual, like musicians or baseball players or politicians, have to get out in front of people, writers, who tend to be shy, get to stay home and still be public. There are many obvious advantages to this. You don’t have to dress up, for instance, and you can’t hear them boo you right away.” – Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

Re-reading old articles

I used to hear this a lot in church and often experience it myself, where you read the same bible passage at different times and hear it speaking different things to you (in other words, you are interpreting it in different ways). They say that is the power of the Word.

Something similar happens in academia. I am re-reading articles I had to read in the past to write my Masters work. But I am reading them in new ways because of my new research questions and directions. So I am looking at different sections of the old papers as relevant to me and I am re-interpreting old passages that once had a certain meaning to me, but today mean something else.

Gosh and we were once afraid it was possible for two people to write a similar thesis?

It is hard for the same person at different stage of his research to even look at the same thing in the same way. I would go so far as to say it's possible for the same person to read the same materials and write two different theses from different lens or approaches.

Doing PhD = Investigating a mystery...

You know, if I'm not an academic, I think I would be a police investigator, doctor or journalist. I love investigating and trying to solve puzzles. Once you get me hooked on an issue or a problem, I am constantly perplexed and trying to seek to understand, find evidence, and solve the "crime", or form the most coherent story I can about what has happened.

So what happened with my study?

There is this law article that I have refused to read for over five years since I first discovered it (White, 2009). I knew it was related to what I study, but because it's from another field, I'm hesitant to read it. I shouldn't have been. So far, of the very few law articles I have read, I have found them to be exceptionally eloquent and well-argued. Maybe it's the training of the lawyer.

Yes, so I finally picked up this thick piece. It's very thick, but as it is with the way law articles are structured, most of the bulk comes from the footnotes in microprint containing a lot of "evidence", a lot of citations and notes. And I really enjoyed reading this piece though it's written in a style I'm not so used to - argument after argument.

And I was referred back to the first IEA Civic Education Study. In this study, a very strong negative correlation was found between students who practiced patriotic rituals and their democratic knowledge and attitudes (Torney, Oppenheim & Farnen, 1975). This was a very strong finding, BUT no one seems to have carried on from there... In the next IEA Civic Education Study, they simply said that they decided to focus more on patriotic attitudes rather than practices, and they say that most nations no longer carry out patriotic rituals anyway (Torney et al., 2001)... Naturally, in the next IEA ICCS, again, no more mention of patriotic rituals (Schulz et al., 2010)...

Because of this, our knowledge about patriotic rituals is so scarce and we are all referring back to a study done in 1975 that does not even clarify the relationship between patriotic rituals and democratic values. I mean, you cannot say that it's because of practicing these rituals that students develop undemocratic views. There's no cause-and-effect relationship. Maybe it is schools that tend to focus on patriotic rituals that have less time to focus on teaching democratic values that have led to this?

More importantly, what are patriotic rituals? This report only tells us it is stuff such as flag raising ceremonies. But what  happens during a ceremony such as these. What other behaviours constitute patriotic rituals? How about the area of my interest - commemorative events? What's the role of symbols?

Why are so few people interested in this area of study? Maybe it's not worth studying, or maybe I have discovered a mystery that has to be solved!

Isn't doing a PhD fun? :D

(Let me self-indulge for a little while, I've been struggling for sometime with the topic and conceptual framework and just trying to put the various things I read about together.)

References

White, B. T. (2009). Ritual, emotion, and political belief: The search for the constitutional limit to patriotic education in public schools. Arizona Legal Studies Discussion Paper No. 09-06.

Torney, J. V., Oppenheim, A. N., & Farnen, R. F. (1975). Civic education in ten countries: An empirical study Stockholm, Sweden: Almqvist & Wiksell International.

Torney-Purta, J., Lehmann, R., Oswald, H., & Schulz, W. (2001). Citizenship and education in twenty-eight countries: Civic knowledge and engagement at age fourteen. Amsterdam: International Association for the Evaluation of Educational Achievement (IEA).

Schulz, W., Ainley, J., Fraillon, J., Kerr, D., & Losito, B. (2010). ICCS 2009 International Report: Civic knowledge, attitudes, and engagement among lower-secondary school students in 38 countries. Retrieved from Amsterdam:

Cohesive and integrated writing

"Sometimes when someone speaks or writes about something that is very important to him, the words he produces have this striking integration or coherence: he isn't having to plan and work them out one by one. They are all permeated by his meaning. The meanings have been blended at a finer level, integrated more thoroughly. Not merely manipulated by his mind, but, rather, sifted through his entire self. In such writing you don't feel mechanical cranking, you don't hear the gears change. When there are transitions they are smooth, natural, organic. It is as though every word is permeated by the meaning of the whole (like a hologram in which each part contains faintly the whole)." (Elbow, 1998, pp. 8-9)

Elbow, P. (1998). Writing without teachers. New York: Oxford University Press

American Patriotism

"Foreign observers have long noted the distinctiveness of American patriotism. What impresses them is that, unlike the patriotism of the Old World, it is not tied to blood or soil but is a dynamic blend of Judeo-Christianity and political liberalism. In France and other countries, Alexis de Tocqueville wrote, there were "two distinct elements" that were always at odds with one another, but the Americans "have succeeded in incorporating to some extent one with the other and combining admirably. I refer to the spirit of religion and the spirit of liberty". (McKenna, 2007, p. 5)

McKenna, G. (2007). The puritan origins of American patriotism. New Haven & London: Yale University Press.

Writing the Research Proposal

(This is the real reason I am here to blog. The previous post was a surprise. Somehow there was a post inside me bursting to come out. Writing is so special and mysterious in that sense.)

I have been struggling to put together two almost disparate ideas - patriotism and rituals. Yes, they look very related. But every time I write the proposal, they come up that way, as two separate topics requiring two separate research methods. M mentioned that I need to connect them. But I didn't know how. I was uncomfortable with that, but I thought, that's the best I have for now.

Then, two days ago, I attended a Research Proposal Workshop by Dr Anneliese. I am so indebted to her. She helped me with the article I submitted to the practitioner journal. I went up to her after the workshop to thank her for her help and let her know the article would be out soon. And I told her I have changed my PhD topic and told her about patriotism and ritual. And again she said I have to be careful that I'm not doing two separate studies. She gave me an example that it could be that I have to look at both what teachers think and what they actually do. And this can unite the two separate topics.

So I went to bed with this puzzle. How I am going to resolve this puzzle...

There was a construct that I really liked called "nationalistic education". I have always wondered why so few others studied this. Not surprising if you understand the current academic climate. I actually don't fit into the mainstream academic tradition that I "grew up" with. That for another day. Just to give a clue, I am fascinated by emotions, rituals, all things spiritual... And when I woke up and got out of bed, nationalistic education was in my mind.

I did a mindmap to capture some ideas I had. Nationalistic education will be the umbrella under which I would place patriotism and commemorative events. I will think twice about making ritual a key concept of my study also... So I wrote... That it is important to study nationalistic education, because so much of our education involves stuff like flag-raising etc, yet the topic is so controversial... Why so controversial? There is no consensus on what patriotism is... and how to cultivate it... So we need to explore how teachers think of patriotism and also look at how they use commemorative events to instill it.

YES! So for now, there is some coherence.

Can you see the changing face of my research proposal?

I'm going to sound crazy but the PhD is fun because of how things change like this... It's changing to become more coherent. :)

Still using two methods but at least now there is some coherence above the methods level...

An Update

I have not updated this blog in more than a month. So what has been happening to me? Sometime ago and repeatedly thereafter, I made myself promise myself that I will not be a depressed PhD nerd-geek. I will not be one whose life revolves around the PhD. I want to have a life outside of PhD, I want to have hobbies, friends, to travel... I want to be a cool PhD student, or even one who says she does a PhD as an afterthought.

Why?

I consider myself a mature student. Many people jump into their PhD right after their undergraduate studies and they have had little exposure to the outside world. Not that I have much, having only worked in a university all my life, but I feel that I cannot begin my graduate studies with that idealistic view that I'm doing something wonderful and proud and I'm going to devote my all to it during this five years. No, I know that I may not find an academic position when I come out, I know that having a PhD as an accomplishment helps you look smart, but it doesn't mean you're smart, I know that my health (emotional, spiritual, physical, mental) is more dear to me and I am willing to give up any activities or loves that threaten it.

Gosh, what a strange post. I didn't come here thinking I would write about this, frankly.

But yes, so I have been doing some freediving the past month or so. :)

And I pulled myself back to work on my Research Proposal.

During the break, I wrote an article for a practitioner journal. Two days ago, I told my friend about it, and I said, "I've taken so much from teachers, I'm grateful I finally have a chance to give back."

I will be conducting a workshop end October on Academic Publishing and Writing. I was excited about this because from April to June 2017, I did a diploma in TESOL. I am prepared that if I don't get an academic position, or if I do get it, I will be ready to teach. But when I was given this chance to do a workshop... something in my heart leaped for joy. I was thinking that I can apply what I learned in the TESOL course to engage my audience.

Okay, how did I get these opportunities? I want to share with you... I simply asked for them. I am not someone who is thick skin, but I got a few chances to just ask. I asked the editor of the online journal whether they were interested in a paper I have in mind, and they said yes. I told the Grad Center that I was interested to share some of my experiences with writing and publishing with other students, and they gave me that opportunity.

Why am I asking and doing all these?

Because sometime ago, I realized I need to chart my own career path. I cannot just do my PhD. It will not only bore me to death, it alone is not sufficient to open doors and possibilities for myself now, and my future later.

Gosh, where are all these words coming from. I'm so talkative today. Maybe I should stop here.

'I would only write a letter of complain..."

My friend recently asked me why did I write a letter to the Forum? I was a bit taken aback by that comment. I asked, 'Do you disagree with it? Was it very poorly written?' 'No,' she said, she had not read it yet, just wondering why would anyone bother with writing something unless one had been very upset about it.

My favourite kinds of writing are not letters of complaints, but letters of praise.

So often, when I write, especially when something suddenly makes sense to me, like a few separate things I've read and pondered about suddenly come together to create something new, I get a sense of goosebumps on my back and a shaking of my spirit.

It sounds crazy, but that's a very sacred moment for me. When I get it, I come here, I blog, or I just stop a moment and thank God.

It's almost transcendental. It's a feeling that starts from the brain and goes all the way down the spine. And it fills me with feelings of gratitude.

Just now, I got it. I was reading up about the ritual act of raising the flag. It is something so integral to the understanding of patriotism, but so easily dismissed and overlooked by many people. What's the big deal with the flag and symbols and rituals. We have so underestimated their significance and power, and that feeling of love and pride and sense of awe and greatness that is captured in them when they are periodically used for purposes that lift our spirits to a level beyond the common and day-to-day.

Suddenly, I feel so grateful, so grateful I am studying the topic that I am studying.

New concept (ritual) vs old concept (story)

As you may have already been told, I recently changed my PhD thesis topic, after nearly quitting it. I changed it from "story" to something along the lines of "ritual".

I am reading up on ritual now and wondering what is it about rituals that appeal to me more than story? I think the answer lies in my personal make up.

Stories and storytelling is a very verbal act that involves a lot of talk, it is a way of talking, persuading, influencing, tickling, shocking... And I am actually someone of few words (not online, but yes, in person). Stories happen in person, off-the-cuff, spontaneously a lot of the times.

Now, rituals have a stronger element of "doing", it's often accompanied by "saying" but predominantly it is a performance and action. This, kinda fits who I am as a person better. A woman of few words but much action. It is about tradition and symbols, about embodying a message, changing insidiously, infecting transcendentally... It's almost magical, or to use a more academic word, numinous.

That... excites me. It's about things we find hard to fathom and describe... Why is it that seeing the flag rise as the national anthem is sounded when Joseph Schooling takes first place and three others take second, makes some of us feel goosebumps or the rising of the hairs on our backs? What is that magical feeling? Where did it come from?

Gosh... This feeling is also felt in the church, especially with the awe-inspiring architecture from ancient days and majestic music from the pipe organ and the pews all facing the front and stained glass windows... Plus the rituals of candle lighting, bowing before Christ, and the cross signal across the heart... They cause people to feel something.

That I feel is what made me more excited about the current topic that the previous... :)

Doing a PhD is like exploring a jungle

I am at the beginning stages of the PhD right now. I am reading here and there, trying to get a sense of the territory. I feel like I just arrived on an island and there's this big jungle before me. As I slowly walk into the jungle, I am seeing a little plant here, a little rock there, and it is only sufficient for me to make a mark on my blank sheet of paper. But my goal is to create a map of the whole place.

So I have been making tiny marks, little scratches on my paper, but I still have little idea what this jungle is like. There are some parts that I know better than other, but most of the island and jungle remain unknown to me.

So this is how it feels like...

I'm doing my best to read up as much as I can, whatever others who have come before me have recorded about islands and jungles in general and particular that I think are similar to the one I'm on, hoping it can shed some clue on my particular island and give me some guidance which paths to take down the jungle.

So this is what stage I'm in now...

Making little scratches on my notebook so that later on I can put them all together into some sort of a research proposal, before I go ahead and conduct my research.

It makes you feel something...

“What you're seeing is young men having been through a very traumatic experience and trying to process that experience. These guys on the ground, hey had no idea what was going on or what they were part of, and there was a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty, a lot of tension between the human and the historical scale. It's difficult to put into words which is why you make the film and use the image rather than write an article about it. Because it makes you feel something that is true and relevant.” Christopher Nolan, interviewed by Alison de Souza, on his new movie Dunkirk in Life (19 July 17)

Hmmmmmmm... hard to put into words... is that why we do ceremonies, commemorations, church services, the way we do? With much visuals, moving music, special awe-inspiring moments and atmosphere to win you over, to make you feel before you can think, embrace before you can reject, draw you in before you even know it.

If that is so. How powerful. How true also we get inspiration from war-time propaganda campaigns.

A new topic

Doing research or writing a thesis eventually is like painting a picture. You first need to try to figure out what is currently known about that topic or issue, and this could be like trying to find out what colours to use for this painting, trying a few strokes on the paper. The more you read up on what others have done, the clearer you will have an idea of what is available to form your picture, your art. And later on as you have that good understanding, you can start to create with it your art. You can introduce things that are new but with the backing of the old. And as you create this image, you will eventually get a complete piece of work that is coherent and tells your story. But see, your story cannot be told without first reading the many other stories told by other people.

Wow!

I feel like I'm again at the first stage... I am scared and excited at the same time. This new project potentially will use very new skills and require me to interact with very different people including people of authority, people planning the policy (government officials), people implementing them (principals and teachers) and people receiving this curriculum (students!). I have only interacted with teachers before, and I have no idea how to interact with the others!

But before I worry about methodology, let me read whatever I can about commemorative events! Gosh, because there is so little about it, and what there is so is hard to find, it brings the explorer-adventurer out of me, like the feeling that because this seems difficult, it's going to be worth it!

Wow!

Sorry, I am surprised sometimes how exciting research can be, especially research into a little known area!

(I feel like I talk like the young spiderman... :|)

Public Memory

So I have moved away from Storytelling and what could I be potentially moving towards? Commemorative events... How schools shape public memory through the four NE days?

"... the stakes involved in public memory are far more complex. What is being remembered? Who does the remembering? How is it done, and why? What is the context in which memory work is being carried out?" (Tai, 2001, p. 1)

"The Greek playwright Agathon is reported by Aristotle to have declared: "Even God cannot alter the past." Samuel Butler answered back across two millennia: "It has been said that though God cannot alter the past, historians can." Others, besides historians, can and do alter it as well. "It's a poor sort of memory that works only backwards," remarks Lewis Carroll's Queen in Through the Looking Glass. Indeed, memory works forward as well as backward; the past is shaped by the future as much as the future is shaped by the past. Memory creates meaning for particular events or experiences by inscribing them in a larger framing narrative, be it personal or collective. Whether implicitly or explicitly, in this larger narrative is embedded a sense of progression and vision of the future for which the past acts as prologue. In Penser la Révolution française, François Furet pointed out how the political sympathies of different actors, including historians, led them to conceptualize the French Revolution either as the end point of the narrative of the French nation or as the beginning of the Republican narrative. In Vietnam, deciding how to remember a century's worth of historical change is a matter of grave difficulty for a society filled with uncertainty about its future and only just beginning to rethink its past." (Tai, 2001, p. 2)

Oh my gosh, Tai writes so beautifully. I was immediately drawn into her words.

References
Country of Memory : Remaking the Past In Late Socialist Vietnam, edited by Hue-Tam Ho Tai, University of California Press, 2001.

Writing on demand

Recently, I have been trying out some writing for non-academic purposes, such as writing for the newspaper, for competition, for forum, for editorials, and like I always do, for blogging. These has teach me something called "writing on demand", the ability to command yourself to write and just do it. There is no mood thing, or setting aside a daily time to write thing, it is: I need this now, so I write it now.

This has been liberating in a way. Discovering that writing is not something magical or iffy that you can only do some times and not others, but when you need it, you produce it. It's like driving a car, riding a bicycle or going for a swim, a skill you have mastered, regardless how skillful you are at it, you know it can be counted on to function when you need it.

So yes, writing has changed for me. It has become a skill. And I learned this through exposing myself to different types of writing. For academic writing, you have all the time in the world to write it, a few months? Hence, you can afford to take your time and find time to write. But not for writing for a lay audience, where timing and speed is key.

Need to keep perspective...

"In the spirit of keeping perspective on your graduate career, I offer a little food for thought. As you read this book, remember and reflect on what a privilege it is to be in graduate school. Whether you are attending a public or a private university, taxpayers are subsidizing your education, as are individual and corporate foundations, alumni, and donors. Even if you pay your own tuition, it is only a fraction of the cost of your doctoral training. It is a privilege to be able to spend time reading the works of some of the greatest thinkers in your field, discussing important concepts, and writing about their work and your ideas. Please do not ever take this opportunity for granted; embrace this time and make the most of it. Enjoy and savor every moment, and then, in your own way, give back to others the privilege that you have received."
- Peg Boyle Single, Demystifying the Dissertation Writing

An update

What has happened to me? I have not blogged in a month!

In the past six months, I completed a Diploma course for Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL), I changed my research topic from patriotism to storytelling, wrote a paper on storytelling, presented it in Korea, wrote the confirmation document (over 30 pages) and realizing I did not like storytelling, comtemplated quiting the PhD (and my job and traveling to Mozambique to do marine conservation volunteer work), wrote many pieces of writings, asked for many opportunities to write (only to be ignored and rejected), and then now, wanting to turn my PhD research topic back to patriotism.

Writing 30 over pages on storytelling made me realized I don't really want to research this...

I am back on familiar ground now... What a journey it has been...

Life can be such a meandering path with so many detours!

During this period of searching, questioning, struggling with my path and future, sometimes I became very anxious. There was a nagging heavy feeling in me, especially the past month. I'm glad to finally have some inkling what to do and where to go.

What a journey!

Back to the drawing board

I thought I'm an experienced writer, but I still feel slightly uncomfortable when I'm asked to revise something. Maybe this feeling will always be there? I don't feel devastated, nothing like that, but that thought of needing more time, more energy, from my already limited stores to do additional work is burdensome.

But, let me remind myself that I am a writer-in-training. I'm not there yet and have a long way to go. I am ready to share with others what I have learned up to this point in time, but I cannot promise more, for I myself am a fellow traveler along this path. This path of being a writer.

So yes, thank you for your feedback about my work. It is back to the drawing board for me!

Pride

A writer's pride. 

I realized writers need a bit of pride to survive. People may think their work is obsolete or poor, but a writer needs to have sufficient pride to stand by it and its value. Sure, any piece of writing can be improved but a writer must not put down himself or herself in the face of rejection. 

A healthy sense of pride is needed.

Write in manner that makes the reader turn the page

''The writer's object is - or should be - to hold the reader's attention. I want the reader to turn the page and keep on turning to the end. This is accomplished only when the narrative moves steadily ahead, not when it comes to a weary standstill, overloaded with every item uncovered in the research.'' 

- Barbara Tuchman, New York Times, February 2, 1989

"Unlike quantitative work, which can be interpreted through its tables and summaries, qualitative work carries its meaning in its entire text. Just as a piece of literature is not equivalent to its "plot summary," qualitative research is not contained in its abstracts. Qualitative research has to be read, not scanned; its meaning is in the reading." (p. 924)

Reference
Richardson, L. (2000). Writing: A method of inquiry. In Handbook of qualitative research. Edited by N. K. Denzin and Y. S. Lincoln. 2nd edition. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.

Bildung

Bildung is about the formation of the individuality. It is a term used in German didaktik that is unfamiliar to educators in the Western world. I am looking at my life, and even as I am doing my PhD now, I am also working on other aspects of my character and personality, like courage, assertiveness, confidence. I think my recent going for this basic padi scuba diving course is one part of it. I think as an adult, I hope to give myself that holistic education, not only of mind, but of body and spirit as well. I don't believe a PhD alone makes me an educated person, I believe being educated is so much more -- connecting with others, being sure of yourself... these are also what I am working towards while I work on my PhD. I hope I will be more ready for the world out there when I'm done.

Benedict Anderson's Research Tips!

"I began to realize something fundamental about fieldwork: that it is useless to concentrate exclusively on one's 'research project'. One has to be endlessly curious about everything, sharpen one's eyes and ears, and take notes about everything. This is the great blessing of this kind of work. The experience of strangeness makes all your senses much more sensitive than normal, and your attachment to comparison grows deeper. This is why fieldwork is also so useful when you return home. You will have developed habits of observation and comparison that encourage or force you to start noticing that your own culture is just as strange -- provided you look carefully, ceaselessly compare, and keep your anthropological distance. In my case, I began to get interested in America, everyday America, for the first time." (pp. 101-102)

 Fieldwork can heighten your sensitivity to differences and make the familiar seem strange!

"It is important to recognize that comparison is not a method or even an academic technique; rather, it is a discursive strategy. There are a few important points to bear in mind when one wants to make a comparison. First of all, one has to decide, in any given work, whether one is mainly after similarities or differences. It is very difficult, for example, to say, let alone prove, that Japan and China or Korea are basically similar or basically different. Either is possible depending on one's angle of vision, one's framework, and the conclusions towards which one intends to move." (p. 130)

"... The fact that young Japanese are learning Burmese, young Thais Vietnamese, young Filipinos Korean, and young Indonesians Thai is a good omen. They are learning to escape from the coconut half-shell, and beginning to see a huge sky above them. Therein lies the possibility of parting with egotism or narcissism. It is important to keep in mind that to learn a language is not simply to learn a linguistic means of communication. It is also to learn the way of thinking and feeling of a people who speak and write a language which is different from ours. It is to learn the history and culture underlying their thoughts and emotions and so to learn to empathize with them." (p. 195) 

"The ideal way to start interesting research, at least in my view, is to depart from a problem or question to which you do not know the answer. Then you have to decide on the kind of intellectual tools (discourse analysis, theory of nationalism, surveys, etc.) that may or may not be of a help to you. But you have also to seek the help of friends who do not necessarily work in your discipline or program, in order to try to have as broad an intellectual culture as possible. Often you also need luck. Finally, you need time for your ideas to cohere and develop. As an illustration, the research that resulted in Imagined Communities began when I asked myself questions to which I had no answers. When and where did nationalism begin? Why does it have such emotional power? What 'mechanisms' explain its rapid and planetary spread? Why is nationalist historiography so often mythical, even ridiculous? Why are existing books on the subject so unsatisfactory? What should I be reading instead?"(pp. 154-155)

I must say my ears pricked up when I read this, I wanted to know his secrets to research. But as you would have figured out from an earlier post, Ben had a very interesting childhood, a very thorough elite gentlemen education, the kind they gave government officials in the past. So he was already starting out at a level beyond many of us. So take what you read with a pinch of salt. Though I really like his idea of always seeking "as broad an intellectual culture as possible" and valuing the comments and views of outsiders. I think this is very important to prevent a very myopic kind of research that has little relevance to anyone besides you.

Reference
Anderson, B. (2016) A life beyond boundaries. London, New York: Verso

Writing as Weaving

There are many metaphors we use to describe the act of writing. Today, I experience writing as weaving. I looked at the different ideas I have collected over two months and sorted over four days, and put like ideas together, and today, I started weaving some of these like ideas together, chaining them logically to other like ideas, and then putting this chunk in a position relative to other chunks.

It feels like weaving, knitting, or sewing, because I am doing intricate work. I look at the words of each idea to find similarities. For example, I see something in common between what Jackson (1995) says that teachers may deliver more than promised when they tell stories and what Benjamin (1968) says about how narrative achieves an amplitude that information lacks. Both ideas tell us that stories can give us more than what we are expecting, that there is potential in stories. So I will allow these two separate threads to intertwine into a thicker and stronger thread that will form an argument in my literature review.

Idea Synthesis Day

Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow is literature synthesis day. I've been reading up on narratives and storytelling and pedagogical content knowledge (PCK) the past two months. Tomorrow is the day I print out the various ideas I've collected and do a manual sorting, organization of these ideas to make a case for my study and I'm pretty excited about it. I think the way things unfolded, how my interest developed told me that the better methodology to use is the case study method rather than narrative inquiry, which can be still used as some sort of lens.

I have been waiting for this day for two months... to be finally able to make some sense out of what I've read. I hope I have read enough to do this. But even if not, this initial analysis would show me where the gaps of my reading are and help me be more directed in my search for the literature.

I've also discovered the German Didaktik through the module I'm taking with Prof. Deng Zongyi, which excites me because this method/model/theory is pretty in line with the kinds of outcomes expected in incidental storytelling in the classroom and it is also sometimes compared to PCK. :) I think when a teacher tells a story, there is a move away from hardcore knowledge transmission to some kind of there's something different for every student to gain. And this... is that potential of storytelling as a tool and also stresses on the autonomy and professionalism of teachers. How cool is that!

Retirement

What do scholars do on their retirement?

"For many men, retirement is, initially at least, a rather painful time. The days can seem very long without a regular work schedule, frequent drinking sessions with colleagues and friends, and regular trips to the golf course. But teachers and scholars are often an exception to the rule. If they no longer teach, they can attend conferences, give speeches, contribute papers, pen reviews and even write books. Many also keep in close touch with former graduate students, since the teacher-student bond is something one can find the whole world over. In this way, academic retirees can also follow new trends, look for new research agendas, and find new problems to ponder over. In fact, they have more time to think than their younger colleagues, who are immersed in administration, committee assignments, teaching, advising, and sometimes buttering up the government officials in control of research funds. Retirees can also, if they wish, free themselves from disciplinary and institutional constraints, and return to projects left undone in the distant past." (p. 165)

Wow, what an intellectual can possibly accomplish on his or her retirement! :)

Reference
Anderson, B. (2016) A life beyond boundaries. London, New York: Verso

Libraries

"In those days libraries were still sacred places. One went into the 'stacks', dusted off the old books one needed to read, treasured their covers, sniffed their bindings, and smiled by their sometimes strange, outdated spellings. Then came the best part, randomly lifting out books on the same shelf out of pure curiosity, and finding the most unexpected things. We were informally trained how to think about sources, how to evaluate them, compare them, dismiss them, enjoy them. Chance was built into the learning process. Surprise too." (Anderson, 2016, p. 196)

I just completed reading Benedict Anderson's very special and moving autobiography. He talked so much about how it was like for him, fieldwork, and university scene over the years, and of a passing era... It felt so sad. There's a longing within me, I wished I had his kind of education, I wish I had an interest in languages, and picked up many, I wish I had access to the minds of people different from me... But... Who I am today and how I came to be... are totally different from Ben's own. I will never be like him.

They say you should only try to be yourself. And maybe I shall be... I was very intrigued by the things I am recently reading. I read another book called Making Stories by Jerome Bruner and he cited people that Ben cited about - great minds of long ago. And in one of my readings, though the article was very poorly written, the author had quoted something from Walter Benjamin, whom Ben was greatly influenced by, so I went to look for a collection of Walter Benjamin's work, and I loved an article inside about storytelling. I looked at the pages the author cited as I held that book in my hand imagining that someone once held a book just like mine in another library in another world, at that particular page 89, stopped, paused and found it quotable.

This is my own way of discovery through "chance" and "surprise", through how one person cites another. And recently, I have been more intrigued by the words of foreigners and a time long past. I don't have any background of these people, but at least I am exposed to a bit of their work and thinking.

Reference
Anderson, B. (2016) A life beyond boundaries. London, New York: Verso

a worm's dream

Perhaps I am the only Ph.D. student (though I doubt it) you'll find who would say I am doing my Ph.D. because my dream is to be a writer. And I have neither the confidence nor the courage to pursue this dream any way else.

The learner as the curriculum-maker

I was recently introduced to this idea in class. Many teachers struggle with the proposition that they could be curriculum makers in the classroom, many preferring to stick rigidly to the curriculum handed down to them by the curriculum specialists. So even more untoward is that idea that you should consider what your students want to learn and give them freedom to decide along with you what to learn.

But, I, having never been a school teacher, and having always, all my life, a learner, think that the learner as a curriculum maker is a wonderful wonderful idea. How sad that for so many years of my life, what I studied was dictated by the authorities, it was based on national interests, instead of my personal interests! How sad, that I spent hours learning things like differentiation and partial fractions (no offense to mathematicians), things they said were important for me, rather than perhaps pursuing something that may have more bearing on my future contribution to society.

Forgive that personal gripe. Today, I may not have a Harvard, Yale, Cambridge, or Oxford curriculum, what gives smart people their status, but what I am in control of is personally designing my own Shuyi-curriculum that fits me. I will buy any book I think I need to enrich my thinking. I will speak to anyone I think can help me achieve my goals. I will decide on my own how my journey will unfold. I will be my own curriculum-maker.

My secret to writing

"Many people who want to write are unconsciously seeking peace, a coming together, an acknowledging of our happiness or an examination of what is broken, hoping to embrace and bring our suffering to wholeness." - Natalie Goldberg, May 2015

Many found it incredible or even wrong when I told them the secret behind my Masters thesis. Yes, it was written to advance knowledge of the field and yes, it hopefully was of some benefit to education and teachers, but mainly, I did it for me. I wrote it to explore an area I was having challenges in my personal life and to bring healing, firstly, to myself.

That area I was struggling with was that of authority. My thesis was also about authority. The authority I was struggling with in my life was church authority - the authority of my thesis was government authority. Every time I wrote about government authority, I was drawing lessons for myself. Every time I drew lessons for myself, I changed the object and the context, and I was writing about government authority. By the time I finished my thesis, I had an answer for the educational world, but also for myself. It was alright to challenge authority, all sorts of authority, even scholarly ones. And I should be afraid of no one.

This experience was powerful. It taught me that by using intuition, abstraction, analogies, and simply the power of making connections, I can write about something I did not have direct experience with. I can draw upon my emotions and knowledge in a personal area of my life and apply it into a professional and academic setting. It taught me that academic work and writing can be a seeking of truth and a journey of healing. It was a powerful experience.

So this time round, I'm going to try something like that with my Ph.D. I hoped to tap on something even more primal, that innate need to tell our stories, and the ability of stories to heal - narrative therapy... But professionally, it will be about pedagogical content knowledge, how the teacher transforms her knowing into a telling, such that students can receive the telling and it becomes their knowing. It's a child-centered and progressive way of education, provoking students to think, because stories can yield rich meanings, both for the teacher and her students. And for me. :)

"Pay yourself first."

The daily investment of time is also crucial. Although he saw patients all day, Freud spent a couple of  hours writing each night. In an academic world whose demands keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, and your ear to the ground, it is difficult to climb that research ladder of success. Consider an old investment principle: Pay yourself first. Just as the first bite from a monthly paycheck should be invested in personal savings, the first (or some) part of each day should be earmarked for research. Remember, how you spend your days is how you spend your life.

Kenneth A. Kiewra (1994)

Your choice

You can choose to do your Ph.D., write your thesis, with a lot of love or with hatred.

You can choose these two years to be full of excitement and adventure, problem solving, and fun; or years of fear and torture, insecurity, afraid of being wrong, full of problems and obstacles.

You know... Today I decide that I want this work to be a labour of love. I want to do it with much heart and joy and little regrets. I want to be forgiving and grateful for this opportunity that will probably never come again. Remember, an unfettered opportunity to grow and learn, how rare to have it as an adult! Regardless how it pans out, I would have benefited from the process. It doesn't have to be a hastey, angry experience. It will be a period of sustained intellectual discovery and effort. And I have always found such experiences fun. So yes, doing a Ph.D. can be fun.

Are you ready?