Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The power of a theoretical framework

I experience firsthand how applying a theoretical framework to your study/ideas can transform it, it can tighten it from top to bottom, from introduction, literature review, to methodology.

OMG!

Saturday, January 27, 2018

The advantage of being a beginner and ignorant...

I am actually not afraid of people giving me advice, feedback, and challenging my way of thinking and views. I actually welcome them, because I know that whatever I receive in one form or another can be used to improve the thinking of a piece of work I am engaged in.

Maybe, this is the advantage of picking a topic I am not personally invested in and the advantage of being an amateur and ignorant of many things, and not being afraid to put myself out there in spite of it.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Generalist

One of the coolest thing of doing research in Education is that we don't really have a tradition. When I search for literature... I seek all over - anthropology, cultural studies, history, psychology, philosophy... All the things I need are scattered all over academia. This means that again and again, I discover amazing research, amazing ideas, amazing work. I am currently looking at music... This is the first time in my life I am reading music education research...

How did I get here?


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Remembering

One concern I used to have, and probably still have, as a research assistant visiting a school in the morning, was whether there was a need for me to participate in the morning assembly that saw the school staff and students standing to attention before the flag. 

My body responded on instinct after 12 years of conditioning to stand to attention at the sound of the call to attention. My mind questioned me: Is this weird? I feel like an errant student, late for school, because I am standing alone, exposed to the view of everybody. I am not a student or a teacher, do I need to behave like one?

So this conflict happened between my body and my mind. My body had no problem performing the ritual but my mind was conflicted and confused and unsure what to do at my body's readiness to submit to the code and protocol. 

Overtime, I noticed that staff in the General Office don't have to perform this ritual, they carry on as usual even as the ceremony went on outside. I took comfort in the privacy of this room. But I knew that as an adult, I could do this, but would this "stumble" a kid? Can a kid understand why aren't everybody performing the ritual?

I used to have nightmares of coming late for school and being caught not here nor there when the ceremony started, and being exposed. Or trying my best to make it in time so I could blend into the crowd...

Gosh... I didn't know my relationship with ritual and ceremony started way back then... and still haunts me today. 

Friday, January 19, 2018

A book refound

As you know, I have been studying this very interesting idea called "patriotism" for many years now. There is this book that I've come across called "Patriotism and Nationalism in Music Education" but because of the context of my study, that of social studies, where music is not used; I never really saw that book as very relevant, despite its title.

Today... As I am working on my confirmation document on commemorative events, and googling this "the singing of national songs in Singapore citizenship education", I refound this book! :D And today, it is more relevant than before, than ever.

I felt such joy and elation, like this book is an old friend I just bumped into after not seeing for a long time!

I talked about this many times before, but how special in the process of doing your PhD that you can have high experiences such as this!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

A reminder to myself...

A part of me had always wanted to do my PhD overseas. It was my ultimate chance to live abroad, I thought to myself, it was the best excuse. Having had difficult past experiences finding jobs, I was less certain I would be able to secure on overseas, but studying seemed to be my cup of tea. But even then, I did not have the confidence to pursue this overseas path.

And last year when I actually had enough push factor to leave my PhD programme to find something else, I felt that the time was not right, the availability of scholarships just felt low and worse still, if I were to start afresh, what would I study?

A year ago, as I came to terms with studying locally, I told myself that my alternative to living abroad is taking many small trips around my region and the world while being rooted in Singapore. This is the next best alternative - I get to travel, learn about about the world, become more knowledgeable (good for PhD)... Yes, maybe I don't get to learn how to live alone long-term, yet, but you know you have to make the best of whatever situation you are in.

So yes, I think I will revive this dream... I chucked it aside last year because I was so preoccupied by something else, but now, I think it is time to fly high and away again, opening my mind and heart to what the world has to offer, and use that to improve the work of my PhD.

I sincerely believe that if I become a generally more knowledgeable a person, the quality of the PhD will improve. I don't believe that sitting down and working non-stop on the PhD can achieve that quality that working on myself first and then also on the PhD can.

So I really believe that graduate students need to carefully plan their time and lives to achieve more than just a PhD. We cannot have tunnel-vision during this period, it's too risky for our emotional health, and it doesn't work to our benefit when we graduate either.

A part of me is also exploring becoming a freediving instructor in the future. Remember that old part of me who also wants to be a writer? Yes... So these are things I will be exploring as well during my PhD journey.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Confidence

I was telling my friend that after I started freediving, I became a more confident graduate student/scholar. It almost doesn't make any sense, what has freediving got to do with academia?

But... Somehow, having something else to rely on, something else I enjoyed, and am good at... relieved the pressure of needing to be good at the other, and suddenly, I felt free to be as good or as bad as I am in academia as I wanted to.

My friend told me I found another nest. Yes, I have now more baskets in my life where I put eggs in, and it's alright if the academia basket breaks.

This has given me a lot more freedom and space to be myself, to put myself out there in academia, because I fear failure a lot less now. I fear embarrassing myself a lot less now. Because so what if I did embarrass myself?

Again, I am fine not succeeding in academia, I have other things to succeed in in life. I no longer feel that slavish pressure to compete to write papers or anything like that.

I will write when I have something to say.

I will give a workshop when I think it is important for others to learn what I am teaching.

I will do all these because I want to, not to keep up my reputation or to be marketable, all these other side reasons.

This has given me a freedom I never had before in my scholarly career.

Let's try to capitalize on it more, okay, Shuyi? Time to be a PhD student again. Get that research proposal moving! :D