Saturday, December 22, 2018

A love for writing

I did not know I enjoy writing so much.

You know I cannot stop writing my book on how to write.

It's like there's so much I want to tell people about this. But I am trying to correctly reference and cite the authors who inspired. So that those who are keen to know more know where to turn to. I think that's important.

So my book will serve as a bare bones version and also a multi-directional sign board that points to other resources that cover topics similar to mine.

So it's true, it's easy to write when you have something to say.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Self Publishing

You know I am that kind of person when I see everybody doing something a certain way, I will come along and say, “Hey! Look here, I’m going to do it this other way.”

Similar to perspectives. People see things a certain way, I like to see it in a different way. Perhaps this quality of mine has helped me somewhat in being “original”, and making an original contribution. Being original is not something I need to strive for. It’s something I yearn and desire for and feel good being. I just want to be different.

That’s not enough to be a scholar. You need to contribute in some ways.

Okay! Back here! I have quit the PHD but I have a thought of publishing a book on Amazon on how I managed to publish three articles from my Masters study. I am thinking to share this knowledge because the way I did it was unconventional. And also perhaps this could be a step for me to become self-employed. Or like a way to earn a bit of income to support myself. And yes, to share that knowledge as well.

So... let me try...

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

An attention to particulars

"In confronting the "complex specificness" of a particular teacher's experience with a particular group of students, I presented a means to think realistically an concretely about broader problems of cross-cultural adjustment, home-school relationships, and the like. This is not a claim to see the world in a grain of sand, but a characteristically qualitative acknowledgment that small aspects of experience, conveyed in sufficient depth and detail, can speak to large issues." (p. 10)

Thomas H. Schram

I am leaving academia...

Sorry this sounded so abrupt and I haven't been updating you all, whoever you are, my dear audience. But I have withdrawn from my PhD programme two weeks ago. The dissonance is too great that I cannot ignore anymore that whatever I am studying right now is not what I want to spend my time, energy, effort, and youth (if I still have some of it left) professing now or later. I enjoy researching what I am researching as a good academic exercise and what I research interests me, but I am not ready to explore it into the depth required for the PhD level and not really wanting to be an expert of Patriotism or Nationalistic Education.

The PhD programme has always been very instrumental to me. I am doing it because I want to write a book, to pick up the skills of writing. The past two years has taught me that this is not a strong enough reason to give me motivation to keep carrying on when the going gets tough. I am not willing to be chronically depressed to pick up the skills of writing. Circumstances have changed and doing the PhD is no longer favourable for me. This is the main reason why I am withdrawing. I've tried my best to hang on to it for another year, though already last year, I had that sense that I wanted to quit. But holding on another year has only reconfirmed that cutting my losses now is better than later.

I appreciate how welcoming the community of scholars have been to me and all the kind help I have received over my many years working in the university and the larger community researching citizenship education. I actually am sad to leave NIE, where I have called home since 2010. It is rare in today's world to find a young person like me staying in a job for so long. Besides my loyalty and comfort, this happened because of the many people I have met here who nurtured me, gave me many opportunities, and helped me developed my interest and skills in research and writing. I always tell people that I can do my work anywhere, but I come to my office to work because all my friends are here. I have seen many friends come and go since I came here in 2010 and I thank each one who has made my stay here in NIE bearable and beautiful. :)

I don't know where I am headed to next and will probably be spending some time figuring that out. But I hope to stay in touch with you. I wish you all the best too!

Monday, October 1, 2018

Random thoughts

Okay, this blog is called "Thinking Through Writing," and I am going to do a bit of thinking now. Don't mind me, please.

I was reading a bit of my old blog posts. I did have positive experiences doing the PhD too. Someone on Quora said I would find my voice through graduate studies. I don't know if the PhD experience really did that for me.

However, working as a research assistant/associate, under my supervisor and boss, Jasmine, did do something like that for me. She helped me discover that I really like writing. She encouraged me to do more of it. She thought I was pretty good at it. It's not a big deal really, except, I have never been really good at anything.

I am good at putting a thread through a needle hole, I always tell people. I think I am good with my hands, but I haven't done a lot with it. Except now, maybe to type and to write.

So for a poor girl who thought so poorly of herself, I guess working in an academic environment that places such a high premium on being able to publish, did boost my confidence and make me feel good about myself.

Did I tell you also that I am a very loyal person? If my boss needed me, I will be there.

Okay but what was wrong was that I actually don't really like my topic. I know this sounds terrible to you. Why am I studying a topic I do not like? Simply because I could do it.

I am sighing as I type all these.

Don't you wish you had a career counselor to guide you in your life from the moment you were born. I feel like I've been stumbling around. So I have this thought at the back of my head that I want to be in healthcare.

I actually really like helping people. I was banking on helping people to write when I graduate from the PhD. I have no interest to teach anything else, besides writing, I have little interest in my topic as I have said, in research methodologies...

I think we potentially could have many careers in our lifetime. I am of that thinking, we have many talents and skills, and we don't have to stick to that one job.

I don't really know how to explain myself.

But within me there it was brewing - this desire to quit the PhD - and whenever I think about quitting it and pursuing something else, a joy and excitement comes to my heart that lifts me out of the depression that has been plaguing me.

Then I would wonder, why am I always depressed.

So this is my story and my jumbled up thoughts.

My boss told me that my youth will be gone soon and I'm only young once. 10 years later, it's going to be hard for me to change my career and job.

You may think it's too good to be true. How is it possible we suddenly stumble upon a new career and it is the right one for us for that season of our lives? I think my research one has been the right one for me for the past 10 years of my life. And perhaps, it is just time to move on. Maybe for you, you don't think depression is a sign of that.

But I am wondering if it's a sign for me. I am someone who bubbles with a lot of energy and enthusiasm and excitement to tackle what's before me. Something is not right when I'm dragging my feet out of my bed every day. Maybe you say it's normal to have low periods. Maybe I say, it's time for a change.

Quitting the PhD

I haven't told you yet, the most important group of people - those who read and care about my academic journey - that I have been thinking about quitting the PhD.

This is a common thought that goes through the minds of people doing the PhD, but for me, this time, I feel I am serious.

The past year - especially the past few months - I have been rather depressed. This again, sounds very normal for a PhD student, but this depression didn't jar well with me.

I get depressed whenever my life is misaligned with my values. I know you might say, "This is just life. Deal with it. You make some wrong decisions, you stick with them."

I have so many thoughts about this. How did I lend myself up doing this PhD? Can I tolerate another few years of this? Should I hold on? If I give up, what would I do?

Maybe some of you can tolerate depression. Or maybe your life circumstances force you to do so. Maybe you really need the degree, maybe you are on a scholarship, maybe you really want to be an academic.

But for me, I think I am at a stage of my life, that I wish to do something good and true and meaningful for myself. If depression can be cured by making one decision, I would make it.

I don't want to spend everyday crying and pondering about the meaning of life. I want to seek that meaning for myself. And if it cannot be found in my current life state and situation and through my current career, then I want to seek another path for myself.

I did not have the courage to do this for myself last year, even though I already knew I did not want this PhD. Will I have enough courage to do it for myself this year?

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Gambling

Ethnographic work can sometimes be a lot like a gamble, you control some things, you let some things go. Sometimes it works out to your benefit, sometimes it doesn't, but whatever form of data you collect, you try to make the best out of it.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Gratitude

I am grateful that I have a team of intelligent and kind researchers that work on my project with me. They say all PhD students go through slumps and downtime and perhaps many get into a rut because there was no one there to help them out or lift them up. But during my downest moments, where I was stretched paper thin, I had a team who continued to collect data, very good data... The project did not stall because of one student's failure to keep up, but it continued on because others helped out as they could.

A part of me feels ashamed that I did not collect all the data myself, but as B has told me, when good things happen to me, rather than feel guilt, why not feel gratitude? I am grateful that even as a small PhD student, I have a taste of working with an experienced and very qualified team to collect the best data we can. Now, it is time for me to process this data, and I shall do so with gratitude.

I will process it the best we can, make the best use of the data we can collected together, such that we can reveal the best truth and story from these data and write a report that may spark insights into the education system in Singapore and the meanings teacher make of citizenship education.

But more than that, I wish everybody will have fun, doing what we do, learning and studying together, figuring and pondering together.

Friday, July 6, 2018

"the existential loneliness of the long-distance writer"

I've ran two marathons in my life. Because of my perfectionistic tendencies and tendency for overachievement, when people ask me about my marathons, I sheepingly tell them I've ran two, but not very well. The first one I took 4 hours 20 minutes, the second one, I took 5 hours.

People often make it seem like a big feat but to me marathon running was much "easier" than other types of shorter runs where you had to run much faster. To me, marathon running was a lot of long slow distance, which suited my character that liked to take things easier. I preferred slow to fast, long to short etc.

We did a lot of training before hand to try to make the actual marathon more enjoyable. But, during the actual marathon itself, you will see the same effects of starting strong and persevering and finishing well with your depleted energy stores. You pay for misusing your energy stores as well, which I did for marathon 2. I was too eager to perform well that I ran the first half too fast, leading to a very slow second half.

Why am I talking about marathons? Today, I read this:
The more I give myself up to my run, let myself merge into and participate with the paths of Central Park, the more effortlessly I flow and finish. Each time I begin to brood about The Finish, my pace is broken, the run becomes a burden. And so it seems to be with writing a dissertation: the more the candidate is immersed in his files, flowing with his fieldwork, humming along on his office typewriter, deep, deep in the very stuff of the dissertation and conversely, less preoccupied with the magical/mystical Finish date, the faster the thesis is going to move ahead to completion. Obviously, this running/writing illustration is not designed to devalue the booklong insistence on organization and planning as fundamental to dissertation success. The point to be made - which many dissertation finishers and professional writers would affirm - is that, perhaps paradoxically, when one has planned and outlined, and planned again, what has to follow is, as Philip Roth might put it, a "letting-go," a self-absorbed merging with one's dissertation materials. (Sternberg, 1981, p. 175) 
Shuyi, it is time to focus on each element and work on them and let go and make the best of each situation. It is time to lose yourself in this work, not thinking of the end in mind. Like freediving, focusing on moment by moment, rather than the end goal. Process over outcome. Moment over finish.

Give it a try, I know it's hard. Hang in there and practice self-care too.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Why I feel like giving up...

I started this journey with such enthusiasm, maybe I felt I kinda got it. I found something that enables me to learn new things, challenges my mind, gives me an opportunity to work on my people skill and possibly also contribute to knowledge building in society.

But today, I am plagued with self-doubt and a perpetual mental fog. Some of my friends tell me that maybe I should give it up, some other of my friends tell me to hang in there.

I was just going through some of the revisions I've made and I realised that I didn't do too bad a job in revising them. But things have just gotten to such a state that I have very little passion or motivation to do much work. I can still do it but it has required me to drag my feet instead of come to it with much joy.

I didn't see this coming... And I don't really know what to do...

Thursday, June 7, 2018

What I learned about writing

What I learned about writing is that writing happens even before you write it. It happens at the back of your head. The moment you engage with a problem, an issue, a feedback received, your mind starts working subconsciously thinking about how to solve it and deal with it.

I learned that your first thoughts and instincts may not be the best ones. By all means you can draw them out or write them down, but don't take your first drafts as final. Give yourself time to look at them again. Again, give your mind time to work on it. Expect that it is not the best and it will change and improve as you read more, think more, and sit upon it.

I learned that writing takes time and commitment. But what happens after you engage with an issue or problem is straightforward, you begin to try to solve it. Your solution may not be the best at each moment you come to the problem but if you keep working on it, it will be a better and better fit. So give it time and don't give up so easily. And don't procrastinate. Begin the process as soon as you can.

I also learn not to be afraid of feedback. Receive it graciously and consider it carefully and based on the time and resources you have, make the best of it.

And always take ownership of your work. If writing something is going to make you detach yourself from that piece of work because it no longer sounds like what you think inside, then maybe consider sticking with what you truly believe. Take ownership of your work. Except of course you have been engaged to write somebody else's work and then in that situation what matters is that person's voice.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

How I see the PhD

The PhD to me is not the best one can produce and write and of the greatest passion, it is a working out of skills that can be eventually used in different settings.

It is not squeezing dry of one's energy and talent and knowledge and abilities, but the careful use of those to complete a piece of work.

It does not have to have an instrumental function to be worth doing. I don't have to have the PhD qualification. I can find the process of thinking, analysing, working in a team, reading, writing and thinking worthwhile on its own.

PhD is not trying to prove your worth or abilities or skills, but already having this worth, abilities, and skills, demonstrate it through a process and piece of work.

Getting a PhD doesn't mean you have attained the highest level, there is still much to learn and grow thereafter.

Am I thinking it wrongly?

Monday, June 4, 2018

Slump

I have reached such a slump in my life that it is difficult to find motivation to do work.

I told myself just now that I have been doing research for 10 years. Even if I close my eyes, I can still get the work done.

So yes, I am going to continue working through this slump!

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Another update...

It's been a month. That 50-page document has been double-spaced and edited into a 131-page document. I haven't been here much. That process of focusing a mammoth sized mess hasn't generated a lot of inspiration. Today, it feels merely like I'm sitting myself down and by sheer willpower, typing and typing.

Writing is sometimes like that, especially academic writing. Sometimes there are no flashes of inspiration, just sheer brute willpower that keeps you typing. You come up with a to-do list, and you tick off one item at a time. Just that...

It's  not just PhD... Generally, life has become a bit like that for me. A list of to-dos, and I am getting by and getting through one item at a time. I am holding on... I am surviving by the day. I am doing my best to cope.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

That piece of work...

No one can convince me that writing a 50 page single-sided document proposing a study that one wants to do is an easy feat. Writing that document takes months of thinking, months of reading and collecting of relevant data and information, months of speaking to people about it, considering possibilities, speaking to potential research participants, other scholars, your supervisor, your friends... It takes more than a scholarly mind but a meticulous planner who attends to details, yet who has to also keep the big picture in mind. It takes guts to face your fears and insecurities in the process of creating something new in this PhD, wherever they lie, whether in your own intelligence or scholarly skills or your social and marketing skills.

That 23,597 words did not come by fluke. It did not just appear. You worked hard on it over a period of months, and for some, years! Yes, it can be improved, and people are going to give you feedback to improve it. But, you, never belittle that work that you've done or allow people to shred it to pieces. It did not just mysteriously appear. It appeared because you invested time, energy, hard work, blood, and tears into it.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Impostor Syndrome

We hear about this so often. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore. After all, research isvery much a job that I do for a living. But now that I am doing my PhD and being a master of my own destiny and research direction and trajectory, having to recruit my own schools and convince others that my presence is more a blessing than a curse...

This impostor syndrome thingie is rearing its face.

I find myself questioning the rigor of my study, my own intentions of conducting research, and whether I know what I am doing. I don't know for certain what I am researching will make a big impact or contribution. At this stage, I can only guess.

Yet, when I meet with others, I need to be as confident as I can be, whether to my supervisor, to my reviewers and examiners, and most importantly to my research participants who are to give me their valuable time and input.

It comforts me when I read "The Journalist and the Murderer" that people like to talk when there's someone listening. At the very least, I am giving a fair hearing to the views and opinions of my research participants.

It troubles me... People see me as a lot better a researcher than I see myself. Maybe this is at the heart of the impostor syndrome.

It's a jarring feeling and not comfortable at all. It feels like I am a fake. It doesn't make sense to others why I would feel this way. I have published works, I can write research proposals, I have been around for some time...

Stand up tall, Shuyi. We will figure this thing out. The only comfort I have right now is that this impostor syndrome seems common in academia, so maybe professors will understand it. But what I need to deal with now is that in the real world, people look at body language, and yes, your confidence, and they judge based on it. So I will do well to portray myself and my research well.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Romantic View of doing the PhD

There are days, like today, that I am grateful I'm doing a PhD. I am not paid for doing it, in fact, I pay to do it. I may not be appreciated for what I do, even though, what I do has significance (according to me) for the country, the education system, and my field of study. And also, there are days that working on this can really stress me out, in many ways, because like life itself, doing the PhD is unpredictable, uncertain, and requires a lot of guts.

But... Seeing something incoherent become coherent. Seeing flighty thoughts take concrete shape on the screen and on paper. Spending this alone time digging into what others have researched, done, and written about... Can be very therapeutic and satisfying at the same time.

In time to come, I hope, I may add, interacting with my participants, seeing life lived out by teachers, their thoughts, fears, aspirations... Being privy to that... I have said this before and I will say it again. I have always wanted to be a teacher, and being unable to be one, studying teachers is something that comes pretty close!

Thursday, April 26, 2018

My research topic...

I think my research topic is very fun... I am improving upon the draft and remembering what drew me to this topic initially. It was when I was reading about German teachers and how many just didn't like talking about national pride and national symbols, understandably because they believed these things caused its people in the past to become so devoted and obedient to Hitler...

I find this so interesting because... this is such a different view from what we have in Singapore... Over there and also in Japan, there's a lot of debate and controversy surrounding the use of national symbols.

In a strange twist of fate, I feel fortunate that I can explore this intriguing topic and area.

Monday, April 23, 2018

The difficult part of research for me...

The difficult part of research for me, is interacting with my research participants. There is a reason I wanted to be a Botanist and also tried telling my supervisor a few years ago that I would rather be a Historian, working with sources, than actually having to be out there interacting with real human beings.

Data collection is tough for me. Finding a school that will be willing to let me be in there. And thereafter having to negotiate so many different kinds of human interactions. Requesting for things for myself and yet trying not to be too imposing on others at the same time.

Once I get my data in, sitting down with them, working with them... it's a lot easier for me. Writing also... Is a lot easier for me than speaking... And imaginary audience, or an audience out there of scholars is much easier for me to interact with, than... a real human being before me. But... this in no ways implies I'm anti-social or anything like that.

When I am working with something I'm not confident in, I tend to be more controlling. I want to choose a school that I like, that I feel comfortable in, where there are teachers I know and feel at ease with. I think all these is to alleviate my sense of anxiety, and having to establish relationships anew, which as I mentioned, does not come that easily to me.

But... this year... I am going to keep my options open... Maybe I might discover by chance a school that matches me. It may not be what I expect, but it might suit my PhD research. I am keeping hopeful. This is honestly, the hardest part of educational research for me, much harder than any kind of formulation of idea or proposal.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Self-Care for Graduates Students

I was casually telling my bestie that I want to come up with a work titled "Self-Care for Graduate Students". Last year, I gave a workshop called "Demystifying the Publication Process". Writing, to me, is a very important research skill that can be taught and learned. And being able to write well, helps so much in every stage of the graduate students' life from writing the thesis to publishing.

Another topic closed to my heart is how we take care of ourselves as graduate students. Important to this topic is our mindset and the perspective in which we view our studies. For example, if the PhD is a very important area of my life, if I take it too seriously, if I care too much where I will end up, whether I publish, how fast can I complete it... the PhD journey may become an uneasy and stressful one. But if I see it as just one area of my life, among many other important areas, and I focus on the process of doing it and learning it, giving myself time and space to learn... the PhD journey will become more bearable and enjoyable.

Topics to cover include:

  • What to do when your mind is not clear or working at maximal efficiency? Do I continue working or do I take a break? What kind of breaks help with mind?
  • Are you giving yourself enough time to rest? Is it alright to rest? Did you know your mind continues working in the background even as you rest? Don't view times you are not working as wasted time.
  • What to do with a writer's block? Or what do you do when you run out of ideas? What resources do you have? Can you watch a video/movie related to it? Read some articles? Speak to a friend/colleague/professor?
  • Are you too dependent on your supervisor? Do you have anyone else to go to for academic help?
  • Do you have someone who understands what the PhD is about to share your troubles, burdens, and worries, and help you problem solve when you meet with difficulties?
  • Are you taking care of your health in general? Are you eating well, sleeping well, exercising? PhD work uses a lot of your intellect, but very little of your body, it is important to move it in other ways. The mind and body are connected.
Just some preliminary ideas. Maybe I need to go for a swim now. My mind is not working as it should...

Sunday, April 15, 2018

My absence

It's been awhile since I updated this journal and it is perhaps time to do so.

I wrote draft 1 of chapter 1 in November 2017.

Now, it's April 2018. I am at draft 6 of chapter 1.

May 2017 - I had a completely different topic.

It hasn't pan out the way I had hoped, but I am taking this in my stride.

Because doing my PhD and working part-time cannot feed me, I am also taking up some odd writing jobs on the sideline. And this act of doing work for multiple people, besides myself, has changed the way I view my own PhD work.

Now, I see my PhD work as another job among others. This has tremendously re-position the PhD's location in my heart and life. It's no longer about my identity, no longer about doing a work that represents me, that is pretty perfect, and very good, but also not something I can any-o-how do (I would never do this for a client), but it's realistically something I have to do to the best of my abilities with the limited resources I have to do it. It cannot afford to be perfect, I cannot afford it.

I don't have the time or the money.

I have to do it, the way I do any other work.

This also means perhaps I have reached a milestone in my academic career. This detachment that has developed... I've never seen it before. Perhaps it is also my way of coping, when a journey has turned out longer, more undulating, more meandering than I thought it would.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Three Paragraphs

I just wrote three paragraphs in my literature review. I am still slightly amazed. These are truly my voice. I have initially written down what others thought about those things, and I have quite a lot to copy and paste from all over the place after studying this topic for six years and having written countless accounts on this topic from various angles and approaches, but I accidentally deleted them. But perhaps it was good that I had, because after putting together what others have said, I could no longer hear my own voice. Now the question is how I am going to weave in the evidence and still retain my own voice?

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Word

"The clean, linear presentation of statements of problem and purpose that are typically found in scholarly chapters and journal articles provide a thin basis for understanding the initial mess and frustration of finding and fine-tuning a problem for your inquiry. For that matter, it is probably misleading to suggest that you simply "find" a problem or question, as if all you have to do is reach into that mess and pull out a researchable idea. Problem posing in qualitative inquiry demands more of you than simply hunting, gathering, and then displaying." (p. 21)

Schram, T. H. (2006). Conceptualizing and proposing qualitative research (2 ed.). Upper Saddle River, New Jersey and Columbus, Ohio: Pearson, Merrill Prentice Hall.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The struggle of finding clarity

I have typed the title of this post three days ago, but it's only today that I know what to say about it.

For about four to five months, I struggled greatly to find a focus for my PhD study. I have written multiple drafts of my chapter 1 to be, but all have led me to more confusion, rather than greater clarity.

It is only today, that I saw the light more clearly. Here is how it has evolved since November...
1. I have decided that rather than focusing on "commemorative events" and "rituals", I will focus back on "patriotism". (Thanks Dr Chris)
2. I have decided that rather than using the ethnography method, I will use the case study method. (Thanks Jasmine)
3. I have decided that rather than looking at all four core events, I will focus on one main one - the National Day celebrations. (Thanks Zhang Si)
4. And I have re-thought out my research question, after changing it multiple times, to - How does a secondary school in Singapore teach about/for patriotism?

I was frustrated and stressed up, especially as I wrote more and more drafts of this chapter 1, I felt further and further  from where I wanted to be. I was writing so much, but not getting close to what I wanted to do. It felt like I was stagnating and running on a treadmill. But alas, actually, through writing and sharing what I was doing with other colleagues and students... the questions they asked, though at first made me possibly uncomfortable because they were suggesting something different from what I thought I had in mind, actually helped me zoom in faster to what I truly wanted.

I think doing the PhD requires so much courage and perseverance and faith. You really don't know the end point, and you just got to keep trying. My friend, Chin, was telling me that he noticed for my Masters, I struggled to get going, but once I got started, I had an exponential increase. He was telling me not to worry for my PhD. I hope that happens again. I give myself time to write a firm foundation for my research study, and trust that this will be the platform from which everything else will take off.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

The importance of taking mistakes in one's stride

I think one of the most important traits needed for a PhD student to successfully navigate this journey is the ability to take mistakes in his or her stride. It is probably inevitable that no matter how brilliant the student it will take time to form the research proposal, from the research problem to the methodology chosen. And it is inevitable that changes will occur. A change in focus, in theoretical framework, in school (what if your first choice rejects you), in methodology, which I am currently undergoing...

I am a strange researcher. I came into research enamored with certain methodologies and I design studies around using particular methodologies. Scholars will tell me, this is not the way, you first find your research problem, and later on, then you find the right methodology to solve that problem. So I know clearly the correct direction.

However, to me... I am willing to tackle any interesting research problem... So it's tough for me to begin there, because there's so much to research. I prefer to constrain my choices by working backwards... But... working backwards doesn't always work. It works most of the time for me, but not this time.

I have had great difficulty finding a research problem and question for my revered "ethnograpy" method. You know, I have always wished to be an ethnographer, like the kinds that live with the locals in another culture... And I tried my best to write a research problem around this, also given my current resources and abilities and networks, but... it is beyond me...

I will probably switch back to the case study methodology. I tried my best, but it's not working.

So yeah, if... you don't take mistakes like these in your stride, to try to make a smaller deal of making big changes to your thesis, and these things keep happening, you'll be beaten!

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The power of a theoretical framework

I experience firsthand how applying a theoretical framework to your study/ideas can transform it, it can tighten it from top to bottom, from introduction, literature review, to methodology.

OMG!

Saturday, January 27, 2018

The advantage of being a beginner and ignorant...

I am actually not afraid of people giving me advice, feedback, and challenging my way of thinking and views. I actually welcome them, because I know that whatever I receive in one form or another can be used to improve the thinking of a piece of work I am engaged in.

Maybe, this is the advantage of picking a topic I am not personally invested in and the advantage of being an amateur and ignorant of many things, and not being afraid to put myself out there in spite of it.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Generalist

One of the coolest thing of doing research in Education is that we don't really have a tradition. When I search for literature... I seek all over - anthropology, cultural studies, history, psychology, philosophy... All the things I need are scattered all over academia. This means that again and again, I discover amazing research, amazing ideas, amazing work. I am currently looking at music... This is the first time in my life I am reading music education research...

How did I get here?


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Remembering

One concern I used to have, and probably still have, as a research assistant visiting a school in the morning, was whether there was a need for me to participate in the morning assembly that saw the school staff and students standing to attention before the flag. 

My body responded on instinct after 12 years of conditioning to stand to attention at the sound of the call to attention. My mind questioned me: Is this weird? I feel like an errant student, late for school, because I am standing alone, exposed to the view of everybody. I am not a student or a teacher, do I need to behave like one?

So this conflict happened between my body and my mind. My body had no problem performing the ritual but my mind was conflicted and confused and unsure what to do at my body's readiness to submit to the code and protocol. 

Overtime, I noticed that staff in the General Office don't have to perform this ritual, they carry on as usual even as the ceremony went on outside. I took comfort in the privacy of this room. But I knew that as an adult, I could do this, but would this "stumble" a kid? Can a kid understand why aren't everybody performing the ritual?

I used to have nightmares of coming late for school and being caught not here nor there when the ceremony started, and being exposed. Or trying my best to make it in time so I could blend into the crowd...

Gosh... I didn't know my relationship with ritual and ceremony started way back then... and still haunts me today. 

Friday, January 19, 2018

A book refound

As you know, I have been studying this very interesting idea called "patriotism" for many years now. There is this book that I've come across called "Patriotism and Nationalism in Music Education" but because of the context of my study, that of social studies, where music is not used; I never really saw that book as very relevant, despite its title.

Today... As I am working on my confirmation document on commemorative events, and googling this "the singing of national songs in Singapore citizenship education", I refound this book! :D And today, it is more relevant than before, than ever.

I felt such joy and elation, like this book is an old friend I just bumped into after not seeing for a long time!

I talked about this many times before, but how special in the process of doing your PhD that you can have high experiences such as this!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

A reminder to myself...

A part of me had always wanted to do my PhD overseas. It was my ultimate chance to live abroad, I thought to myself, it was the best excuse. Having had difficult past experiences finding jobs, I was less certain I would be able to secure on overseas, but studying seemed to be my cup of tea. But even then, I did not have the confidence to pursue this overseas path.

And last year when I actually had enough push factor to leave my PhD programme to find something else, I felt that the time was not right, the availability of scholarships just felt low and worse still, if I were to start afresh, what would I study?

A year ago, as I came to terms with studying locally, I told myself that my alternative to living abroad is taking many small trips around my region and the world while being rooted in Singapore. This is the next best alternative - I get to travel, learn about about the world, become more knowledgeable (good for PhD)... Yes, maybe I don't get to learn how to live alone long-term, yet, but you know you have to make the best of whatever situation you are in.

So yes, I think I will revive this dream... I chucked it aside last year because I was so preoccupied by something else, but now, I think it is time to fly high and away again, opening my mind and heart to what the world has to offer, and use that to improve the work of my PhD.

I sincerely believe that if I become a generally more knowledgeable a person, the quality of the PhD will improve. I don't believe that sitting down and working non-stop on the PhD can achieve that quality that working on myself first and then also on the PhD can.

So I really believe that graduate students need to carefully plan their time and lives to achieve more than just a PhD. We cannot have tunnel-vision during this period, it's too risky for our emotional health, and it doesn't work to our benefit when we graduate either.

A part of me is also exploring becoming a freediving instructor in the future. Remember that old part of me who also wants to be a writer? Yes... So these are things I will be exploring as well during my PhD journey.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Confidence

I was telling my friend that after I started freediving, I became a more confident graduate student/scholar. It almost doesn't make any sense, what has freediving got to do with academia?

But... Somehow, having something else to rely on, something else I enjoyed, and am good at... relieved the pressure of needing to be good at the other, and suddenly, I felt free to be as good or as bad as I am in academia as I wanted to.

My friend told me I found another nest. Yes, I have now more baskets in my life where I put eggs in, and it's alright if the academia basket breaks.

This has given me a lot more freedom and space to be myself, to put myself out there in academia, because I fear failure a lot less now. I fear embarrassing myself a lot less now. Because so what if I did embarrass myself?

Again, I am fine not succeeding in academia, I have other things to succeed in in life. I no longer feel that slavish pressure to compete to write papers or anything like that.

I will write when I have something to say.

I will give a workshop when I think it is important for others to learn what I am teaching.

I will do all these because I want to, not to keep up my reputation or to be marketable, all these other side reasons.

This has given me a freedom I never had before in my scholarly career.

Let's try to capitalize on it more, okay, Shuyi? Time to be a PhD student again. Get that research proposal moving! :D