Remembering

One concern I used to have, and probably still have, as a research assistant visiting a school in the morning, was whether there was a need for me to participate in the morning assembly that saw the school staff and students standing to attention before the flag. 

My body responded on instinct after 12 years of conditioning to stand to attention at the sound of the call to attention. My mind questioned me: Is this weird? I feel like an errant student, late for school, because I am standing alone, exposed to the view of everybody. I am not a student or a teacher, do I need to behave like one?

So this conflict happened between my body and my mind. My body had no problem performing the ritual but my mind was conflicted and confused and unsure what to do at my body's readiness to submit to the code and protocol. 

Overtime, I noticed that staff in the General Office don't have to perform this ritual, they carry on as usual even as the ceremony went on outside. I took comfort in the privacy of this room. But I knew that as an adult, I could do this, but would this "stumble" a kid? Can a kid understand why aren't everybody performing the ritual?

I used to have nightmares of coming late for school and being caught not here nor there when the ceremony started, and being exposed. Or trying my best to make it in time so I could blend into the crowd...

Gosh... I didn't know my relationship with ritual and ceremony started way back then... and still haunts me today.