Quitting the PhD

I haven't told you yet, the most important group of people - those who read and care about my academic journey - that I have been thinking about quitting the PhD.

This is a common thought that goes through the minds of people doing the PhD, but for me, this time, I feel I am serious.

The past year - especially the past few months - I have been rather depressed. This again, sounds very normal for a PhD student, but this depression didn't jar well with me.

I get depressed whenever my life is misaligned with my values. I know you might say, "This is just life. Deal with it. You make some wrong decisions, you stick with them."

I have so many thoughts about this. How did I lend myself up doing this PhD? Can I tolerate another few years of this? Should I hold on? If I give up, what would I do?

Maybe some of you can tolerate depression. Or maybe your life circumstances force you to do so. Maybe you really need the degree, maybe you are on a scholarship, maybe you really want to be an academic.

But for me, I think I am at a stage of my life, that I wish to do something good and true and meaningful for myself. If depression can be cured by making one decision, I would make it.

I don't want to spend everyday crying and pondering about the meaning of life. I want to seek that meaning for myself. And if it cannot be found in my current life state and situation and through my current career, then I want to seek another path for myself.

I did not have the courage to do this for myself last year, even though I already knew I did not want this PhD. Will I have enough courage to do it for myself this year?