Performance anxiety

We often hear about graduate students becoming depressed and all. I myself am very prone to anxiety. Just typing that A word made my palms sweaty. I think one of my biggest fears (probably silliest on hindsight) is attending conferences and meeting all these very established scholars and having to shake their hands. This is/was very difficult for me because I am also socially very shy and public situations trigger this sweaty palm condition, which makes me even more embarrassed than I already am.

Maybe I need to challenge this. So what if a big shot frowns at my palms, wipes them off his pants, looks at me with disgust and walks away?

Nothing. That's fine with me if someone chooses to conclude who I am based on a first impression.

Wait, but I am here not to talk about graduate school mental health issues, though I feel I have sufficient experiences to talk about it.

I wanted to write how I am mysteriously not very nervous about a workshop I am going to give soon and to a big crowd next Friday. This is in contrast to my big bout of nervousness needing to teach intermediate English to non-native speakers in June. And also giving presentations in classes. Maybe I feel less watched, I don't know. I get tense when I feel I am being watched.

Maybe I am thinking that I really have an important message to share. I may not share it very well, but I still want to share it, because it resonates with my heart. M may think this is not right, the teacher must give the students what they want, not only what she wants to give... I don't know... It's so hard for me, maybe I need to learn to balance this, but that burning message in my heart distracts me from caring how people would think of me.

It's almost like, you can think the worst of me, but still, please listen to this message.

Maybe for us, graduate students, we can develop such a relationship to our PhD work and believe in it so strongly, we can be so confident even before people in authority who put us down.

I also care less how big a shot you are. I don't know how this happened. Maybe after visiting a very rude doctor. Or maybe after aging a few more years and gaining authority over younger ones by simple virtue of age. But I realized what I value in a person is not his intelligence, not his wealth, not his power; but his kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, and lovingness. To me, I will respect people who have the latter set of characteristics. I just value them more, I don't know why. Maybe you do too. :)

So don't try to impress me with your intelligence if you don't have the heart to care that your intelligence is not harming other people and making them feel stupid.