Literature Review is on the way...

I have been sorting ideas and then... I started categorizing ideas. More than half of my ideas I did not know how to fit together. But those I knew how, I started writing about them. Two days ago, I read what I have written and tried to strand them together. Today, I looked at the rest of the ideas and try to see how I could fit them into the current structure...

This is how writing the literature review at its early stages feel to me! And now, I am on holiday in Phuket.

I think a part of me wants to be a living example of how PhD student can do a good job with the PhD and still have lots of fun and time for personal development and to pursue his or her interests. Gosh. This is happening in my mind. Though probably whatever I’m doing now won’t change the statistics that a high percentage of graduate students are depressed... :(

Updates...

Ah... It's been about three weeks since I gave some deeper thought to my PhD, thesis, research... What have I been up to? I've been busy with work again.

Yesterday, I gave a Q-Method workshop to my team, because we are going to use Q-Method for our project. I did not have a lot of time to prepare. I only knew one week in advance. And last week was a particularly packed week, stretching me really thin. I was also attending the William Trubridge Dynamic No Fins Workshop. I used pockets of time and tried to max them fully to prepare for the workshop.

Intuitively, I mindmapped what I wanted to cover in the workshop and what information I lacked, and needed to find out in preparation of the workshop. The activities for my participants were easier to prepare because essentially, I wanted them to do a Q-sort and interpret the results.

I did have difficulty with the analysis, as you know, statistics has never been my strength. But I told them that part I cannot explain well and maybe next time, we will all read up on that.

And now that it's over... on  hindsight, it was fun preparing for the workshop... Introducing something new and cool to people... Trying to help them see why this method was good...

I think I approached it my own way, choosing resources from what I have previously come across...

You know... I was able to give that workshop because last year I gave it a go. Last year, I conducted a mini study out of the larger study. Did you know that I underwent a lot of stress to conduct that mini study? I have fear of asking favours. And I had to call up many teachers to ask for a favour. I had to design the study, the question, Q set... Learn the analysis... I even flew to New Orleans to attend a workshop, present my "findings" and ended up seeking help to re-analyse my findings. I spent $700 on an online program - Q Assessor to enable participants to do that online sort. I had a short timeline and I had to find the most time efficient manner to conduct and complete the study. I had added anxiety because of other issues as well happening behind the scene.

I must say it wasn't easy living with anxiety. And high anxiety. I don't want to make doing a PhD look ugly. I have had this anxiety issue since I was very young. And it permeates throughout what I do as I grew older. And last year was the year I decided to seek professional help to overcome it and not be controlled by it. I was very proactive. I think that's one thing good about me. I may be very anxious but it doesn't stop me from doing the thing that makes me anxious.

This year, the anxiety problems seems to have reduced in my academic life. I don't know. I wish very much to find my own voice in academia. To care less what others think and really hold my own.

So that's the backstory to how I ended up giving a Q-Method workshop yesterday. If not for that arduous journey, I wouldn't be here. But that journey was nice as well. I made friends in New Orleans, I discovered the Q community, and a fun method to use... Yes, I gasped as well, when I hear myself use the word "fun" on statistics.

So... the journey continues... The multiple changes in my PhD direction means that I wouldn't be using this Q-Method, but I guess I still passed it on. And it doesn't hurt for an academic to be well-versed in a number of techniques?

So... my journey continues!

scholars, watch out for enemy #1 - ignorance

"It is my thesis that what schools do not teach may be as important as what they do teach. I argue this position because ignorance is not simply a neutral void; it has important effects on the kinds of options one is able to consider, the alternatives that one can examine, and the perspectives from which one can view a situation or problems. The absence of a set of considerations or perspectives or the inability to use certain processes for appraising a context biases the evidence one is able to take into account. A parochial perspective or simplistic analysis is the inevitable progeny of ignorance." - Elliot W. Eisner

My best writing tip

At the moment where you are filled with excitement about a new idea or topic, stop.

I discovered this serendipitously. I have a weakness when I write. I tend to get into a state where I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I write a lot from emotions rather than thinking. When I am overwhelmed, I have to stop. My heart just cannot continue. What I learned from this is that, it makes me anticipate coming back to my writing, because I know there are things undone and fun to write about when I resume in the future.

I saw this in this book called The Writer's Way by Jack Rawlins and Stephen Metzger (7th edition):

"9. Quit when you're hot, persist when you're not. Ernest Hemingway is said to have always quit writing when he knew exactly what was going to happen next, not when he ran out of things to say. That way, he was always excited about going to work the next day instead of dreading it. Hemingway understood that every time you stop writing, whether it's for five minutes or five months, you run the risk of finding out you're blocked when you come back. Get around the problem by quitting when you're hot. Take a break on a winning note, not a losing one. Stop writing when things are going well, when you feel strong and know where you're going next. When you're at a loss, don't let yourself quit; stick with it until the block dissolves, words come, and you've triumphed momentarily.

The principle behind this is basic behavior modification. If you quit when you're stuck, you're in fact rewarding your failure: you're learning that if you get stuck you get the reward of getting to eat, to stretch, to escape. If you stick it out, wait until the words come, and then quit, you reward success. At first it seems contrary to logic: why stop when the words are flowing? The answer is only apparent when you try it: if you quit when you feel good about writing, you feel good all during the break and come back to the computer feeling strong. If you quit when you're stuck, your break is filled with dread and worry, and the return to the computer feels like the climb to the scaffold. 

The longer the break, the more important it is to quit knowing what you'll do next. When I break for five minutes, I want to know what sentence I'm going to write when I come back, when I break for the day, I typically finish with a sketchy paragraph summary of where the discussion is going in the next few passages - a map of tomorrow's journey." (pp. 58-9) 

Dipping and the Deep Dive into Research

I notice stages in my personal experience of research. Usually it begins slowly, like a sampling of literature until you get a taste of the field, and slowly but surely, you start to form a map or bigger picture... It is still sketchy, but I feel like I'm on an exponential curve...

The more I read, the more I know, the more excited I become. It's like I slowly dip my feet into the waters, and then I immerse myself and then I make a duck dive and dive deep into the research.

It is very satisfying. Almost like the more you know, the more convicted you are of the purpose and importance of your research. It's like solving a puzzle and putting together pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.

Gosh... I always make doing a PhD sound like so much fun, don't I?

I'm just starting out and far from consolidating my ideas and all but just thought of celebrating this very moment where I feel free and good about my research.

Excited. :)

Taking up my identity as PhD student again...

There's so many things going on nowadays that I just might forget that I am doing my PhD. I am someone with a great sense of responsibility, so I don't often neglect my commitments for long and when I have relegated one to the side, there's always a nagging voice within to pick it back up again.

So I think today is the day that I resume full responsibility for my PhD studies, including facing fears of the unknown, meeting people, and reading up on things, and being a true-thinker-scholar. I am no longer going to give excuses that I'm not that kind of scholar (not keen on politics etc) or that kind of person (not extroverted etc).

I will be whoever I need to be for the next 3-4 years to get my PhD completed. (And watch my life expand.)

I think it is my responsibility as a training scholar to take scholarship and knowledge seriously. And that for me would include world events and news and history. I hope to be well read in terms of context and all.

Yesterday I was watching some YouTube videos about Catalonia and yes, I think that kind of direction is what I need to take. To give myself a broad base of learning and knowledge so I can build my scholarship upon a solid foundation.

So last week I closed a writing chapter. This week I will open a reading one. I am going to be a reader. Read widely, think deeply.

And I will plan when I want to do my confirmation. I will plan some deadlines into my schedule. And I will meet them. This way, I will be moving forward.

Watch this space!

Performance anxiety

We often hear about graduate students becoming depressed and all. I myself am very prone to anxiety. Just typing that A word made my palms sweaty. I think one of my biggest fears (probably silliest on hindsight) is attending conferences and meeting all these very established scholars and having to shake their hands. This is/was very difficult for me because I am also socially very shy and public situations trigger this sweaty palm condition, which makes me even more embarrassed than I already am.

Maybe I need to challenge this. So what if a big shot frowns at my palms, wipes them off his pants, looks at me with disgust and walks away?

Nothing. That's fine with me if someone chooses to conclude who I am based on a first impression.

Wait, but I am here not to talk about graduate school mental health issues, though I feel I have sufficient experiences to talk about it.

I wanted to write how I am mysteriously not very nervous about a workshop I am going to give soon and to a big crowd next Friday. This is in contrast to my big bout of nervousness needing to teach intermediate English to non-native speakers in June. And also giving presentations in classes. Maybe I feel less watched, I don't know. I get tense when I feel I am being watched.

Maybe I am thinking that I really have an important message to share. I may not share it very well, but I still want to share it, because it resonates with my heart. M may think this is not right, the teacher must give the students what they want, not only what she wants to give... I don't know... It's so hard for me, maybe I need to learn to balance this, but that burning message in my heart distracts me from caring how people would think of me.

It's almost like, you can think the worst of me, but still, please listen to this message.

Maybe for us, graduate students, we can develop such a relationship to our PhD work and believe in it so strongly, we can be so confident even before people in authority who put us down.

I also care less how big a shot you are. I don't know how this happened. Maybe after visiting a very rude doctor. Or maybe after aging a few more years and gaining authority over younger ones by simple virtue of age. But I realized what I value in a person is not his intelligence, not his wealth, not his power; but his kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, and lovingness. To me, I will respect people who have the latter set of characteristics. I just value them more, I don't know why. Maybe you do too. :)

So don't try to impress me with your intelligence if you don't have the heart to care that your intelligence is not harming other people and making them feel stupid.