Updates...

I've not been here in awhile. I have been wandering about Latin America. I sometimes don't think what I am doing is considered "traveling". It seems more like random wandering with no particular purpose or order. I see many younger people traveling and I have so much to learn from them... I like how they systematically cover places of interest while keeping in touch with their loved ones. And how they end up in many places, each they personally chose to be at. Traveling at low cost. They look contented and happy.

How do they do it?

Alright. Back to this. Remember that book?

I took a long hiatus from it. One of my friends just gave me really good feedback and it scares and excites me at the same time. It scares me because her feedback is incisive and it excites me because I finally found someone who can give me the kind of feedback that can move the work forward. Incisive is exactly what I need.

I also wonder how much faith do I have. Do I have enough faith to think that piece of work can help anyone at all and is worth writing well? I don't feel like asking anyone that question. I feel like finding the answer myself. Just like how I stop asking someone what he or she likes about me. I will find out for myself what is likeable about me.

A love for writing

I did not know I enjoy writing so much.

You know I cannot stop writing my book on how to write.

It's like there's so much I want to tell people about this. But I am trying to correctly reference and cite the authors who inspired. So that those who are keen to know more know where to turn to. I think that's important.

So my book will serve as a bare bones version and also a multi-directional sign board that points to other resources that cover topics similar to mine.

So it's true, it's easy to write when you have something to say.

Self Publishing

You know I am that kind of person when I see everybody doing something a certain way, I will come along and say, “Hey! Look here, I’m going to do it this other way.”

Similar to perspectives. People see things a certain way, I like to see it in a different way. Perhaps this quality of mine has helped me somewhat in being “original”, and making an original contribution. Being original is not something I need to strive for. It’s something I yearn and desire for and feel good being. I just want to be different.

That’s not enough to be a scholar. You need to contribute in some ways.

Okay! Back here! I have quit the PHD but I have a thought of publishing a book on Amazon on how I managed to publish three articles from my Masters study. I am thinking to share this knowledge because the way I did it was unconventional. And also perhaps this could be a step for me to become self-employed. Or like a way to earn a bit of income to support myself. And yes, to share that knowledge as well.

So... let me try...

An attention to particulars

"In confronting the "complex specificness" of a particular teacher's experience with a particular group of students, I presented a means to think realistically an concretely about broader problems of cross-cultural adjustment, home-school relationships, and the like. This is not a claim to see the world in a grain of sand, but a characteristically qualitative acknowledgment that small aspects of experience, conveyed in sufficient depth and detail, can speak to large issues." (p. 10)

Thomas H. Schram

I am leaving academia...

Sorry this sounded so abrupt and I haven't been updating you all, whoever you are, my dear audience. But I have withdrawn from my PhD programme two weeks ago. The dissonance is too great that I cannot ignore anymore that whatever I am studying right now is not what I want to spend my time, energy, effort, and youth (if I still have some of it left) professing now or later. I enjoy researching what I am researching as a good academic exercise and what I research interests me, but I am not ready to explore it into the depth required for the PhD level and not really wanting to be an expert of Patriotism or Nationalistic Education.

The PhD programme has always been very instrumental to me. I am doing it because I want to write a book, to pick up the skills of writing. The past two years has taught me that this is not a strong enough reason to give me motivation to keep carrying on when the going gets tough. I am not willing to be chronically depressed to pick up the skills of writing. Circumstances have changed and doing the PhD is no longer favourable for me. This is the main reason why I am withdrawing. I've tried my best to hang on to it for another year, though already last year, I had that sense that I wanted to quit. But holding on another year has only reconfirmed that cutting my losses now is better than later.

I appreciate how welcoming the community of scholars have been to me and all the kind help I have received over my many years working in the university and the larger community researching citizenship education. I actually am sad to leave NIE, where I have called home since 2010. It is rare in today's world to find a young person like me staying in a job for so long. Besides my loyalty and comfort, this happened because of the many people I have met here who nurtured me, gave me many opportunities, and helped me developed my interest and skills in research and writing. I always tell people that I can do my work anywhere, but I come to my office to work because all my friends are here. I have seen many friends come and go since I came here in 2010 and I thank each one who has made my stay here in NIE bearable and beautiful. :)

I don't know where I am headed to next and will probably be spending some time figuring that out. But I hope to stay in touch with you. I wish you all the best too!

Random thoughts

Okay, this blog is called "Thinking Through Writing," and I am going to do a bit of thinking now. Don't mind me, please.

I was reading a bit of my old blog posts. I did have positive experiences doing the PhD too. Someone on Quora said I would find my voice through graduate studies. I don't know if the PhD experience really did that for me.

However, working as a research assistant/associate, under my supervisor and boss, Jasmine, did do something like that for me. She helped me discover that I really like writing. She encouraged me to do more of it. She thought I was pretty good at it. It's not a big deal really, except, I have never been really good at anything.

I am good at putting a thread through a needle hole, I always tell people. I think I am good with my hands, but I haven't done a lot with it. Except now, maybe to type and to write.

So for a poor girl who thought so poorly of herself, I guess working in an academic environment that places such a high premium on being able to publish, did boost my confidence and make me feel good about myself.

Did I tell you also that I am a very loyal person? If my boss needed me, I will be there.

Okay but what was wrong was that I actually don't really like my topic. I know this sounds terrible to you. Why am I studying a topic I do not like? Simply because I could do it.

I am sighing as I type all these.

Don't you wish you had a career counselor to guide you in your life from the moment you were born. I feel like I've been stumbling around. So I have this thought at the back of my head that I want to be in healthcare.

I actually really like helping people. I was banking on helping people to write when I graduate from the PhD. I have no interest to teach anything else, besides writing, I have little interest in my topic as I have said, in research methodologies...

I think we potentially could have many careers in our lifetime. I am of that thinking, we have many talents and skills, and we don't have to stick to that one job.

I don't really know how to explain myself.

But within me there it was brewing - this desire to quit the PhD - and whenever I think about quitting it and pursuing something else, a joy and excitement comes to my heart that lifts me out of the depression that has been plaguing me.

Then I would wonder, why am I always depressed.

So this is my story and my jumbled up thoughts.

My boss told me that my youth will be gone soon and I'm only young once. 10 years later, it's going to be hard for me to change my career and job.

You may think it's too good to be true. How is it possible we suddenly stumble upon a new career and it is the right one for us for that season of our lives? I think my research one has been the right one for me for the past 10 years of my life. And perhaps, it is just time to move on. Maybe for you, you don't think depression is a sign of that.

But I am wondering if it's a sign for me. I am someone who bubbles with a lot of energy and enthusiasm and excitement to tackle what's before me. Something is not right when I'm dragging my feet out of my bed every day. Maybe you say it's normal to have low periods. Maybe I say, it's time for a change.

Quitting the PhD

I haven't told you yet, the most important group of people - those who read and care about my academic journey - that I have been thinking about quitting the PhD.

This is a common thought that goes through the minds of people doing the PhD, but for me, this time, I feel I am serious.

The past year - especially the past few months - I have been rather depressed. This again, sounds very normal for a PhD student, but this depression didn't jar well with me.

I get depressed whenever my life is misaligned with my values. I know you might say, "This is just life. Deal with it. You make some wrong decisions, you stick with them."

I have so many thoughts about this. How did I lend myself up doing this PhD? Can I tolerate another few years of this? Should I hold on? If I give up, what would I do?

Maybe some of you can tolerate depression. Or maybe your life circumstances force you to do so. Maybe you really need the degree, maybe you are on a scholarship, maybe you really want to be an academic.

But for me, I think I am at a stage of my life, that I wish to do something good and true and meaningful for myself. If depression can be cured by making one decision, I would make it.

I don't want to spend everyday crying and pondering about the meaning of life. I want to seek that meaning for myself. And if it cannot be found in my current life state and situation and through my current career, then I want to seek another path for myself.

I did not have the courage to do this for myself last year, even though I already knew I did not want this PhD. Will I have enough courage to do it for myself this year?