That piece of work...

No one can convince me that writing a 50 page single-sided document proposing a study that one wants to do is an easy feat. Writing that document takes months of thinking, months of reading and collecting of relevant data and information, months of speaking to people about it, considering possibilities, speaking to potential research participants, other scholars, your supervisor, your friends... It takes more than a scholarly mind but a meticulous planner who attends to details, yet who has to also keep the big picture in mind. It takes guts to face your fears and insecurities in the process of creating something new in this PhD, wherever they lie, whether in your own intelligence or scholarly skills or your social and marketing skills.

That 23,597 words did not come by fluke. It did not just appear. You worked hard on it over a period of months, and for some, years! Yes, it can be improved, and people are going to give you feedback to improve it. But, you, never belittle that work that you've done or allow people to shred it to pieces. It did not just mysteriously appear. It appeared because you invested time, energy, hard work, blood, and tears into it.

Impostor Syndrome

We hear about this so often. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore. After all, research isvery much a job that I do for a living. But now that I am doing my PhD and being a master of my own destiny and research direction and trajectory, having to recruit my own schools and convince others that my presence is more a blessing than a curse...

This impostor syndrome thingie is rearing its face.

I find myself questioning the rigor of my study, my own intentions of conducting research, and whether I know what I am doing. I don't know for certain what I am researching will make a big impact or contribution. At this stage, I can only guess.

Yet, when I meet with others, I need to be as confident as I can be, whether to my supervisor, to my reviewers and examiners, and most importantly to my research participants who are to give me their valuable time and input.

It comforts me when I read "The Journalist and the Murderer" that people like to talk when there's someone listening. At the very least, I am giving a fair hearing to the views and opinions of my research participants.

It troubles me... People see me as a lot better a researcher than I see myself. Maybe this is at the heart of the impostor syndrome.

It's a jarring feeling and not comfortable at all. It feels like I am a fake. It doesn't make sense to others why I would feel this way. I have published works, I can write research proposals, I have been around for some time...

Stand up tall, Shuyi. We will figure this thing out. The only comfort I have right now is that this impostor syndrome seems common in academia, so maybe professors will understand it. But what I need to deal with now is that in the real world, people look at body language, and yes, your confidence, and they judge based on it. So I will do well to portray myself and my research well.

Romantic View of doing the PhD

There are days, like today, that I am grateful I'm doing a PhD. I am not paid for doing it, in fact, I pay to do it. I may not be appreciated for what I do, even though, what I do has significance (according to me) for the country, the education system, and my field of study. And also, there are days that working on this can really stress me out, in many ways, because like life itself, doing the PhD is unpredictable, uncertain, and requires a lot of guts.

But... Seeing something incoherent become coherent. Seeing flighty thoughts take concrete shape on the screen and on paper. Spending this alone time digging into what others have researched, done, and written about... Can be very therapeutic and satisfying at the same time.

In time to come, I hope, I may add, interacting with my participants, seeing life lived out by teachers, their thoughts, fears, aspirations... Being privy to that... I have said this before and I will say it again. I have always wanted to be a teacher, and being unable to be one, studying teachers is something that comes pretty close!

My research topic...

I think my research topic is very fun... I am improving upon the draft and remembering what drew me to this topic initially. It was when I was reading about German teachers and how many just didn't like talking about national pride and national symbols, understandably because they believed these things caused its people in the past to become so devoted and obedient to Hitler...

I find this so interesting because... this is such a different view from what we have in Singapore... Over there and also in Japan, there's a lot of debate and controversy surrounding the use of national symbols.

In a strange twist of fate, I feel fortunate that I can explore this intriguing topic and area.

The difficult part of research for me...

The difficult part of research for me, is interacting with my research participants. There is a reason I wanted to be a Botanist and also tried telling my supervisor a few years ago that I would rather be a Historian, working with sources, than actually having to be out there interacting with real human beings.

Data collection is tough for me. Finding a school that will be willing to let me be in there. And thereafter having to negotiate so many different kinds of human interactions. Requesting for things for myself and yet trying not to be too imposing on others at the same time.

Once I get my data in, sitting down with them, working with them... it's a lot easier for me. Writing also... Is a lot easier for me than speaking... And imaginary audience, or an audience out there of scholars is much easier for me to interact with, than... a real human being before me. But... this in no ways implies I'm anti-social or anything like that.

When I am working with something I'm not confident in, I tend to be more controlling. I want to choose a school that I like, that I feel comfortable in, where there are teachers I know and feel at ease with. I think all these is to alleviate my sense of anxiety, and having to establish relationships anew, which as I mentioned, does not come that easily to me.

But... this year... I am going to keep my options open... Maybe I might discover by chance a school that matches me. It may not be what I expect, but it might suit my PhD research. I am keeping hopeful. This is honestly, the hardest part of educational research for me, much harder than any kind of formulation of idea or proposal.

Self-Care for Graduates Students

I was casually telling my bestie that I want to come up with a work titled "Self-Care for Graduate Students". Last year, I gave a workshop called "Demystifying the Publication Process". Writing, to me, is a very important research skill that can be taught and learned. And being able to write well, helps so much in every stage of the graduate students' life from writing the thesis to publishing.

Another topic closed to my heart is how we take care of ourselves as graduate students. Important to this topic is our mindset and the perspective in which we view our studies. For example, if the PhD is a very important area of my life, if I take it too seriously, if I care too much where I will end up, whether I publish, how fast can I complete it... the PhD journey may become an uneasy and stressful one. But if I see it as just one area of my life, among many other important areas, and I focus on the process of doing it and learning it, giving myself time and space to learn... the PhD journey will become more bearable and enjoyable.

Topics to cover include:

• What to do when your mind is not clear or working at maximal efficiency? Do I continue working or do I take a break? What kind of breaks help with mind?
• Are you giving yourself enough time to rest? Is it alright to rest? Did you know your mind continues working in the background even as you rest? Don't view times you are not working as wasted time.
• What to do with a writer's block? Or what do you do when you run out of ideas? What resources do you have? Can you watch a video/movie related to it? Read some articles? Speak to a friend/colleague/professor?
• Are you too dependent on your supervisor? Do you have anyone else to go to for academic help?
• Do you have someone who understands what the PhD is about to share your troubles, burdens, and worries, and help you problem solve when you meet with difficulties?
• Are you taking care of your health in general? Are you eating well, sleeping well, exercising? PhD work uses a lot of your intellect, but very little of your body, it is important to move it in other ways. The mind and body are connected.

Just some preliminary ideas. Maybe I need to go for a swim now. My mind is not working as it should...

My absence

It's been awhile since I updated this journal and it is perhaps time to do so.

I wrote draft 1 of chapter 1 in November 2017.

Now, it's April 2018. I am at draft 6 of chapter 1.

May 2017 - I had a completely different topic.

It hasn't pan out the way I had hoped, but I am taking this in my stride.

Because doing my PhD and working part-time cannot feed me, I am also taking up some odd writing jobs on the sideline. And this act of doing work for multiple people, besides myself, has changed the way I view my own PhD work.

Now, I see my PhD work as another job among others. This has tremendously re-position the PhD's location in my heart and life. It's no longer about my identity, no longer about doing a work that represents me, that is pretty perfect, and very good, but also not something I can any-o-how do (I would never do this for a client), but it's realistically something I have to do to the best of my abilities with the limited resources I have to do it. It cannot afford to be perfect, I cannot afford it.

I don't have the time or the money.

I have to do it, the way I do any other work.

This also means perhaps I have reached a milestone in my academic career. This detachment that has developed... I've never seen it before. Perhaps it is also my way of coping, when a journey has turned out longer, more undulating, more meandering than I thought it would.