Remembering

One concern I used to have, and probably still have, as a research assistant visiting a school in the morning, was whether there was a need for me to participate in the morning assembly that saw the school staff and students standing to attention before the flag. 

My body responded on instinct after 12 years of conditioning to stand to attention at the sound of the call to attention. My mind questioned me: Is this weird? I feel like an errant student, late for school, because I am standing alone, exposed to the view of everybody. I am not a student or a teacher, do I need to behave like one?

So this conflict happened between my body and my mind. My body had no problem performing the ritual but my mind was conflicted and confused and unsure what to do at my body's readiness to submit to the code and protocol. 

Overtime, I noticed that staff in the General Office don't have to perform this ritual, they carry on as usual even as the ceremony went on outside. I took comfort in the privacy of this room. But I knew that as an adult, I could do this, but would this "stumble" a kid? Can a kid understand why aren't everybody performing the ritual?

I used to have nightmares of coming late for school and being caught not here nor there when the ceremony started, and being exposed. Or trying my best to make it in time so I could blend into the crowd...

Gosh... I didn't know my relationship with ritual and ceremony started way back then... and still haunts me today. 

A book refound

As you know, I have been studying this very interesting idea called "patriotism" for many years now. There is this book that I've come across called "Patriotism and Nationalism in Music Education" but because of the context of my study, that of social studies, where music is not used; I never really saw that book as very relevant, despite its title.

Today... As I am working on my confirmation document on commemorative events, and googling this "the singing of national songs in Singapore citizenship education", I refound this book! :D And today, it is more relevant than before, than ever.

I felt such joy and elation, like this book is an old friend I just bumped into after not seeing for a long time!

I talked about this many times before, but how special in the process of doing your PhD that you can have high experiences such as this!

A reminder to myself...

A part of me had always wanted to do my PhD overseas. It was my ultimate chance to live abroad, I thought to myself, it was the best excuse. Having had difficult past experiences finding jobs, I was less certain I would be able to secure on overseas, but studying seemed to be my cup of tea. But even then, I did not have the confidence to pursue this overseas path.

And last year when I actually had enough push factor to leave my PhD programme to find something else, I felt that the time was not right, the availability of scholarships just felt low and worse still, if I were to start afresh, what would I study?

A year ago, as I came to terms with studying locally, I told myself that my alternative to living abroad is taking many small trips around my region and the world while being rooted in Singapore. This is the next best alternative - I get to travel, learn about about the world, become more knowledgeable (good for PhD)... Yes, maybe I don't get to learn how to live alone long-term, yet, but you know you have to make the best of whatever situation you are in.

So yes, I think I will revive this dream... I chucked it aside last year because I was so preoccupied by something else, but now, I think it is time to fly high and away again, opening my mind and heart to what the world has to offer, and use that to improve the work of my PhD.

I sincerely believe that if I become a generally more knowledgeable a person, the quality of the PhD will improve. I don't believe that sitting down and working non-stop on the PhD can achieve that quality that working on myself first and then also on the PhD can.

So I really believe that graduate students need to carefully plan their time and lives to achieve more than just a PhD. We cannot have tunnel-vision during this period, it's too risky for our emotional health, and it doesn't work to our benefit when we graduate either.

A part of me is also exploring becoming a freediving instructor in the future. Remember that old part of me who also wants to be a writer? Yes... So these are things I will be exploring as well during my PhD journey.

Confidence

I was telling my friend that after I started freediving, I became a more confident graduate student/scholar. It almost doesn't make any sense, what has freediving got to do with academia?

But... Somehow, having something else to rely on, something else I enjoyed, and am good at... relieved the pressure of needing to be good at the other, and suddenly, I felt free to be as good or as bad as I am in academia as I wanted to.

My friend told me I found another nest. Yes, I have now more baskets in my life where I put eggs in, and it's alright if the academia basket breaks.

This has given me a lot more freedom and space to be myself, to put myself out there in academia, because I fear failure a lot less now. I fear embarrassing myself a lot less now. Because so what if I did embarrass myself?

Again, I am fine not succeeding in academia, I have other things to succeed in in life. I no longer feel that slavish pressure to compete to write papers or anything like that.

I will write when I have something to say.

I will give a workshop when I think it is important for others to learn what I am teaching.

I will do all these because I want to, not to keep up my reputation or to be marketable, all these other side reasons.

This has given me a freedom I never had before in my scholarly career.

Let's try to capitalize on it more, okay, Shuyi? Time to be a PhD student again. Get that research proposal moving! :D

Literature Review is on the way...

I have been sorting ideas and then... I started categorizing ideas. More than half of my ideas I did not know how to fit together. But those I knew how, I started writing about them. Two days ago, I read what I have written and tried to strand them together. Today, I looked at the rest of the ideas and try to see how I could fit them into the current structure...

This is how writing the literature review at its early stages feel to me! And now, I am on holiday in Phuket.

I think a part of me wants to be a living example of how PhD student can do a good job with the PhD and still have lots of fun and time for personal development and to pursue his or her interests. Gosh. This is happening in my mind. Though probably whatever I’m doing now won’t change the statistics that a high percentage of graduate students are depressed... :(

Updates...

Ah... It's been about three weeks since I gave some deeper thought to my PhD, thesis, research... What have I been up to? I've been busy with work again.

Yesterday, I gave a Q-Method workshop to my team, because we are going to use Q-Method for our project. I did not have a lot of time to prepare. I only knew one week in advance. And last week was a particularly packed week, stretching me really thin. I was also attending the William Trubridge Dynamic No Fins Workshop. I used pockets of time and tried to max them fully to prepare for the workshop.

Intuitively, I mindmapped what I wanted to cover in the workshop and what information I lacked, and needed to find out in preparation of the workshop. The activities for my participants were easier to prepare because essentially, I wanted them to do a Q-sort and interpret the results.

I did have difficulty with the analysis, as you know, statistics has never been my strength. But I told them that part I cannot explain well and maybe next time, we will all read up on that.

And now that it's over... on  hindsight, it was fun preparing for the workshop... Introducing something new and cool to people... Trying to help them see why this method was good...

I think I approached it my own way, choosing resources from what I have previously come across...

You know... I was able to give that workshop because last year I gave it a go. Last year, I conducted a mini study out of the larger study. Did you know that I underwent a lot of stress to conduct that mini study? I have fear of asking favours. And I had to call up many teachers to ask for a favour. I had to design the study, the question, Q set... Learn the analysis... I even flew to New Orleans to attend a workshop, present my "findings" and ended up seeking help to re-analyse my findings. I spent $700 on an online program - Q Assessor to enable participants to do that online sort. I had a short timeline and I had to find the most time efficient manner to conduct and complete the study. I had added anxiety because of other issues as well happening behind the scene.

I must say it wasn't easy living with anxiety. And high anxiety. I don't want to make doing a PhD look ugly. I have had this anxiety issue since I was very young. And it permeates throughout what I do as I grew older. And last year was the year I decided to seek professional help to overcome it and not be controlled by it. I was very proactive. I think that's one thing good about me. I may be very anxious but it doesn't stop me from doing the thing that makes me anxious.

This year, the anxiety problems seems to have reduced in my academic life. I don't know. I wish very much to find my own voice in academia. To care less what others think and really hold my own.

So that's the backstory to how I ended up giving a Q-Method workshop yesterday. If not for that arduous journey, I wouldn't be here. But that journey was nice as well. I made friends in New Orleans, I discovered the Q community, and a fun method to use... Yes, I gasped as well, when I hear myself use the word "fun" on statistics.

So... the journey continues... The multiple changes in my PhD direction means that I wouldn't be using this Q-Method, but I guess I still passed it on. And it doesn't hurt for an academic to be well-versed in a number of techniques?

So... my journey continues!

scholars, watch out for enemy #1 - ignorance

"It is my thesis that what schools do not teach may be as important as what they do teach. I argue this position because ignorance is not simply a neutral void; it has important effects on the kinds of options one is able to consider, the alternatives that one can examine, and the perspectives from which one can view a situation or problems. The absence of a set of considerations or perspectives or the inability to use certain processes for appraising a context biases the evidence one is able to take into account. A parochial perspective or simplistic analysis is the inevitable progeny of ignorance." - Elliot W. Eisner