a short evaluation of one of my childhood ambitions

Did you know that as a child, one of my dream job was to be a researcher, work in a laboratory or even work my way up to a lecturer?

I think it was my interest in Science as a child, together with my introverted nature that made me prone towards such an area. I had wanted a job with minimal human contact. I also had interest to educate. I often imagine myself teaching and sharing what knowledge I had with others. To me, a laboratory job would be good because it meant staring at non-living objects. A lecturer job better than a lower level teacher job (SS, JC), as it also meant, I had less need to control a class, which I knew I wouldn't be good at (I have had a problem disciplining people all these while).

I was aware that I wasn't a very bright or talented student all along. I was very aware that while some could score and write fluently without much hard work, for me to do something impressive required me to squeeze every ounce of blood out of me. And to me those people were naturally smart, while I'm a fake smart, meaning I can produce results with a lot of hard work, while they without much hard work can produce results. And no matter how hard I work, I will never reach their standard when they do not work much at all.

My sister was one such example of a naturally smart person. I looked up to her a lot as a very intelligent being. One who produces results while not putting in a lot of work. I attribute that to intelligence, she picks things up easily. Or perhaps she can understand with minimal effort, or catch concepts with just a glance, or capture the knowledge while the teacher teaches and have no need for revision after class.

It was a similar case for my "running ability". A lot of people often boast of my running ability. I have been in school team, I have even completed a marathon. But I am very very aware and clear about my "talent". I do not have talent. If I have talent, it is in training and perseverance. It is definitely not physiological or morphological, but intellectual and emotional advantage.

I am good at reading up running magazines, treating my injuries, taking care of my diet and workouts and running even when it hurts. But I am not one who can run fast without training or with minimal training. And even if I train to my maximum, I am never as good as the naturally talented who train minimally.

What do you call this? Something like the middle class grouping? I am never good enough nor bad enough to be noticed or for someone to place their attention on. I think it is this group of people that could possibly be neglected in the society/education system. We are good, but never good enough. Bad, but never bad enough. We are average, just okay.

As I became a Christian, a whole new whole opened to me. I realized that when I love people, I become less anti-social and more outward-looking. I started to realize I actually enjoy company and interaction with people. So my view towards laboratory work started to change. I started to consider careers such as counselor, tour guide, civil servant etc.

As I entered into University and got the biomedical/cell and molecular/genetics/biochemistry-treatment and experienced "boring" education which is education that does not engaged one's heart or mind, but simply attempted to drill knowledge into the brain, I was no longer able to churn out top quality grades. I no longer desired to memorize as I did in high school and junior college and work so hard pointlessly for grades... It was here, that I stopped dreaming to be a lecturer, nearly crossing it out of my list of possible careers for good.

It was the pains of university life together with greater self-awareness of who I am that caused me to stop dreaming to be a lecturer.

However, recently, I experienced a revival of sorts. As I began to attend Biology classes in which I was interested in, I started to dream a little more. I realized I really do have interest in growing intellectually. I desire not just to make my heart a garden, but also my mind one. I enjoyed learning and sharing the joy of what I learn.

I am still aware of who I am. But I do not wish to short-change myself by limiting myself to my expectations and beliefs of my capability. Neither do I want to slough my way through land which God has no intention for me to pass through.

So my decision is to be humble and to learn. To desire humility and wisdom. To be aware of my capability and aware of who I am. Yet, never discounting what hard work and a touch of luck can do in my life. It is important to be discerning to God's leading and not be so caught up in a I-me-mine attitude where the world revolves around me. I need to be aware of God's work in my life and follow His leading. This is my conclusion. I shall do my best, whether in deciding my career or attaining my career, and let Him do the rest.

Thanks to Angelina for inspiring this entry. While talking to her on the bus today about University education, I thought of this.