Further ending thoughts

I also realise how deeply deeply and how widely ingrained I am... It is easy to spot the programming and notice it when they trigger really strong reactions in you and make you want to criticise another person or something that happened... That's your programming...

That being said, others are also led by their programming... They are imposing things because the change maybe makes them merely feel better? Or is it really out of a thinking mind that thinks it will really help everything be better.

Whatever it is, I agree that the more conscious we are and the less we allow our fears, anxieties, programming to control our actions... The more freedom we have in handling each tasks before us the way it deserves to be handled instead of encumbered by the baggage we carry from our past.

So here is the little worm reflecting and trying to make sense of life.

Deep thoughts about how I have been living my life

Excuse me, I need a place to store or ponder some thoughts...

Yesterday morning at work, I was really stressed out. Let me put some context in first. I have been reading the books and thinkings of Anthony De Mello and he says that our suffering comes from our "programming". Like the stress we have, they do not come from the actual situation, but from the person who is experiencing the stress.

So my Singapore upbringing (whether from school, work, church) and own work experience told me that when you organize an event, you have to make it as perfect as possible, so you need to be as prepared and think of everything possible that could go through and make sure it does not go wrong to the degree that you even impress others. And you need to make sure all arrangements are well.

And when you work with people from other cultures and other backgrounds... They do not have the same programming as me. Other people work more on the fly, they do not plan to the detail everything and get everything prepared way in advance. Instead they just get the main things ready and everything else, they improvise... 

So what happens when we work together or our paths cross is that I notice I get really stressed not knowing the full picture and understanding the style of my colleagues from other origins... They seem not to have the stress that I have... And guess what, they doing things their way, everything works out in the end... It is almost as if my stress was entirely unnecessary... In fact, I do think it was entirely unnecessary... In fact, I agree with Anthony that it was stemming from my programming.

There is no angry fierce boss shouting at me telling me how I should do things... But somehow, I behave and act as if there was such a person dictating how I should do things and criticising every moment I make a mis-step.

They say the unexamined life is not worth living. And Anthony says that awareness and observation and understanding are the keys to getting out of our patterns and suffering... He advised that you experience each moment afresh for what it is, unstained, uncluttered, unblemished by your past experience and your conditioning and programing from the past.

And I thought about it, look at how those people presented and hosted. They all came with what they had, some were reading off the script and not doing it so well, some were rambling on, some I was impressed by, others were people confidently but not perfectly... They did not look nervous. They look like they just knew they had a job and got it done, no stress, just did what they could.

Like a bird or a flower, they just did what they were meant to do.

And here I am, handling a tonne of pressure, feeling so stressed, and experiencing the burdened from situations long past, people who left marks on me who have long passed on... And here I am still suffering from it, 10, 20, 30 years later...

Isn't that really silly? I told myself, my salary does not change whether I do something with stress or without. Also, the quality of my work does not suffer, instead is much worse, when I do it with stress... So why I am stressing so much?

Could... mental illness and breakdown and emotional unwellness really not stem from the actual stress of the situation but from your programming and thinking about it? And could that explain why people doing some really complex task, like flying an aeroplane, where the effects of not doing it well is catastrophic, actually not feel the pressure at all. Because they are just doing the job they are trained for.

When someone keeps saying as normal in Singapore that "I'm busy", "I'm stressed"... could it be that it is that person putting themselves in that own situation through his programming and thinking and inability to step out of it? Like inability to accept that perhaps it's okay not to do such good a job, or to take things easier...

We have colleagues who don't respond to all their emails timely and miss out many important things and no one is there criticising that person, the person gets paid timely. If there's someone criticising him or her, it's this stupid me here, but what good does it do? Why not instead put the energy to thinking how to get things done despite and still having good feelings.

Like Anthony said, who am I to impose my own conditioning and programming on others and say that my programming is the standard and everyone should follow mine. It is the best! It is the right one!

So lately, I am trying to think deeper into Anthony's thinking... Because I am suffering so much from my programming. At first, I pointed my fingers to the trigger. I said and thought that I am suffering because of my external circumstances. I want to change other and change things so they don't trigger my uncomfortable feelings... But increasingly, I am seeing the sense that I am the cause of my own suffering... In terms of me reacting in a way that is unhelpful to the situation and others... Because I so easily react and respond, not out of wisdom and thinking what this situation entails, but from a long ago imprinted set of behaviours and patterns that were imposed on me, without me agreeing to them being imposed on me.

 "Is it possible that chemical carcinogens, in general, do not cause cancer unless the nutritional conditions are "right"? Is it possible that, for much of our lives, we are being exposed to small amounts of cancer-causing chemicals, but cancer does not occur unless we consume foods that promote and nurture tumor development? Can we control cancer through nutrition?"

-p. 59

Inspiring New Book

I have not been writing much recently... I think perhaps not thinking much as well... The previous thing that really got my attention was when I was freediving and working on equalization. I became so excited as I discovered knowledge that did not exist before... And I wanted to contribute to it. I felt so wonderful everything I discovered something that goes against existing knowledge. People said it cannot be done, and I found out, it can be done. People said it must be done this way, but I found so many other ways to do it.

But things quieten down after awhile... I stopped reading, thinking, writing, doing... Life became a bit overwhelming as I exceeded my limits in terms of my own capacity to cope with life, with relationship...

I have some small gains recently... You know one of the most painful things in life is dealing with your own trauma or those trauma of others... This morning I had this thought while cycling to work... How much of our trauma becomes our own personality? And how much can we decide to overcome our trauma and craft out a higher personality that is not triggered or restricted by what is needed to avoid being traumatized.

I believe, at least for me, that my life path is much directed by avoiding my trauma; I took paths where I could feel more at peace with myself and the world, and meant choosing what made me feel good and avoiding what made me feel bad... But lately, I am starting to think... What if I faced what made me feel bad and challenged it such that I stopped avoiding what makes me feel bad. Would it develop my personality in a new way? 

Those thoughts aside... I am going to write a paragraph from the acknowledgement of a book. For those who really really know me, I get most excited at things like this... Here it goes by T. Colin Campbell from The China Study:

"I must also credit my colleagues who have worked to discredit my ideas and, not infrequently, me personally. They inspire in a different way. They compel me to ask why there is so much unnecessary hostility to ideas that should be part of the scientific debate. In searching for answers, I have gained a wiser, more unique perspective that I could not have considered otherwise." pg. xii, 2005

That is so admirable that he is not defensive or angry at his critics or the challenges he faces in his life and career, but instead he used that to refine his perspective, to be a better thinker.

I think I need to revive this blog to read, write, and think again. I think one of the things I hold on to and value is the ability to think for myself. It's not a natural ability as I was rarely given this opportunity or the right conditions to do so. Instead, I was also punished for thinking differently with strong voices pushing me towards having the same mind as them.

But now, I want to value my choice and ability to think things out my own way and not be afraid to do so. And not fear when there are strong voices telling me I am naive, stupid, wrong... But instead to use their voices to refine my own thinking and to become a better thinker.

New Job in Hong Kong

Oh, guess what?

I found a job at The Education University of Hong Kong. In my role, I have to facilitate and bring to pass online teaching collaborations between the faculty in my department and those from a university in another country for the benefit of students to give them an opportunity to benefit from "learning abroad while at home".

How to quickly establish knowledge on a field

One of the fastest way to create a mental frame of a new field is to do a literature review. But it is not a passive processing of reading and reading and reading. Instead, while you're reading, you're extracting key information, key findings; and recording them. Give yourself time to immerse yourself into the literature. Pursue threads that interest you. Allow yourself to stop at a sentence or paragraph that makes a lot of sense to you, look at the citation, find it in the reference list and go after that article to find out more.

I record key findings into a table.

Gratitude for a library subscription

 One of the things you may learn to appreciate most about being in a university - whether studying or working - is the library subscription to all the journals. After you are out, you lose access to all the knowledge garnered in the world in their original form. You want to check the accuracy of some research? You have to go right to the source. And for research, the first unadulterated and polished work of researchers is found in the journal article.

I'm back!

I've been so quiet for some time. 

Did you think maybe I have abandoned the path? I stopped wanting to be a researcher or writer or in academia?

Actually, last month, I had the opportunity to help plan a writing retreat for a group of Thai academics. It was the most interesting experience that I am grateful for. 

I was observant about myself during that time about how highly aroused I get from doing a task like that. Instead of using the words "performance anxiety" which probably most people would use to describe the emotions I felt,  I want to use using the words that psychologists used to describe bodily states like mine. Specifically using the circumspect model of affect.

Yes, lately I have began exploring something new. I want to try to come up with a PhD proposal that touches on a topic different from what I used to study. 

It is challenging but I am going to give it a try.

And I am beginning by reading up about this new topic that I am interested in. It is in the intersection of language, emotions, and our body.

"I know there are people who are able to think clearly and run at the same time but I prefer a slower speed. When I walk my thoughts are set free. My blood circulates and, if I choose a faster pace, my body takes in more oxygen. My head clears. If my phone rings while I am sitting down, I like to stand up and pace about as I speak. My memory, concentration and mood improve after only a few steps. 'If you are in a bad mood, go for a walk,' was Hippocrates' advice. And if you are still in a bad mood: 'God for another walk.' The context is reflected in our language. Motion and emotion. Move and moved." (Kagge, 2020, p. 87)

"When we were preparing to go to the North Pole in 1990, we spent a few weeks testing our gear in Iqaluit, a small town in the north-east, in the Canadian Arctic.

It was here that I learned about a valuable Inuit tradition. If you are so angry that you can hardly control your feelings, you are asked to leave your home and to walk in a straight line through the landscape outside until your anger has left you. You then mark the point at which your anger is released with a stick in the snow. In this way, the length, or the strength, of one's rage is measured. The most sensible thing that you can do if you are angry - a condition where our reptilian brain rules our decisions - is to walk for a while away from the object of your anger." (Kagge, 2020, p. 110)

What am I getting at? I was very moved by Lisa Feldman Barrett's idea that emotions are what we describe physical sensations our body experiences, instead of psychological states, if I understand it correctly. It is more physical than psychological. So it means that different people and cultures can interpret and describe the same physical sensations differently, and people can choose to see these physical sensations as physical sensations, rather than label them as "depression" or "anxiety". But the rule is that if you do not give yourself a break after your body has been reacting for some time, eventually you get sick.

You can read more about it here:

https://www.ted.com/talks/lisa_feldman_barrett_cultivating_wisdom_the_power_of_mood?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

And here:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/sep/25/im-extremely-controversial-the-psychologist-rethinking-human-emotion

I am intrigued with this neuroscience perspective to emotions, because from my own experience with myself, I noticed that emotions are indeed very physical and bodily, and definitely when you do something to your body, it does something to your emotions.

Think about going for a massage or going for a walk or for an adventure or for a freediving session or falling in love. 

I don't know what kind of research project can come up from this but I'm curious if I can craft a research proposal to study something I am uniquely interested in and in a position to ask and answer. I am wondering if I can find a question that I am willing to spend 5 years of study seeking an answer for.

I am going to give it a try. If I can find such a thing, maybe I should do a PhD.

Adulthood is a Great Time to Grow

"Adulthood is a time of growth and change, and learning may be affected by adverse changes—such as unemployment—or positive changes—such as the opportunities to return to study when child-care responsibilities end. Recurrent education can be transformative, a point of departure for a new lifestyle or a new sense of personal identity." - Peter Kennedy

Researcher as an Instrument

One of the most important lessons I've learned about being a scholar, learning a new field, or academic writing is a concept I picked up from qualitative research that is used to describe the nature or status or workings of the researcher in the methodological section.

The researcher in qualitative research is seen as an "instrument". What does that mean? When we talk about research instruments, we think about survey forms or maybe some kind of machine set up for experiments. What they have in common is that they have to be described in the methodological section because how they are designed, how they are positioned or created, has an influence on the results. Their very nature influences the quality and rigor of the findings.

We describe them so that we understand why the findings look the way they are, why they may have a certain angle to them.

And so is the researcher whose very nature - what he or she believes, the background he or she came from, the training and experiences - all influences how the data is eventually analysed and how the paper is written.

I take this a step further - knowing this, I deliberately take time to educate myself and to take care of myself. How much I understand of the world - not just my narrow scope of work - influences how well I can analyse and write my papers.

I take the time to understand something, many things, other people, the world, politics, experiences, what concerns the everyday man, and what concerns the policymakers.

I bring my very own unique take to the table.

Be brave. :)

Learning a new field

One field is closely related to another. When I was in the field of citizenship education, it was closely related to political science. I found that I had to read up on politics to study patriotism. Other related fields include history and psychology.

Today, I am in the field of lifelong learning and it is closely related to economics. It's fascinating to me that I have to be well-versed in these fields that I never had much exposure to. It is challenging because I have a lot of learn. But fulfilling because I find myself transversing the knowledge world in ways that I never thought I would.

Who would have known that I would be reading up on Economics now. And interested in things like Human Resource. Fascinating...

Administrative duties

There is something about administrative duties that make me nervous in a way that research duties do not. It is that attention to details in numbers and words, and then the many people involved in different ways in the work.

The handling of public monies, the many levels and layers of people you have to go through to make a change. The rules and regulations.

These ensure money is used rightly and wisely.

But it sometimes make me feel more like an accountant and a secretary.

But okay, I will do my best to pick up these skills. See this as an opportunity to broaden my skill sets.

I am back in Academia!

I found a job but now instead of studying education of younger people, I am studying education of adults! I found out today that it is called andragogy - the method and practice of teaching adult learners.

I needed a way once again to guide my study of this new field and subject, so I will return to using this blog. I am learning a bit everyday, both administratively and also research wise.

So I am going to learn a new field again, like I did previous with citizenship education.

Stay tuned!

A Letter to a Graduate Student: An Alternative View to the Oral Examination

My dear friend,

Since I left academia, I never thought I would write a letter like this again. But because you will soon be defending your dissertation in an oral examination, through the "viva voce” - your "living voice"; I write this with you in mind. I felt this would encourage you because, like me, you are a teacher at heart.

The highest degrees awarded by a university are those of "doctor" or "master". Did you know in their original usage, they both mean “teacher”? "Doctor" shares the same root as "doctrine" or teaching. “Master" comes from the root word "magister" which also means teacher. Hence, earning these degrees makes its recipients teachers of the knowledge they have received and created.

This explains the format of the oral examination. The candidate first presents an oral exposition of the thesis and then defends it in dialogue with the examiners. This parallels the two modes of teaching: the lecture and disputation. Hence, the oral examination is the ultimate test of subject matter expertise, examining the candidate's ability to teach a subject using a lecture and discussion (Shulman, 1986).

I hope you will remember this, during that frightful day when you are expected to prove your worth. No, you’re not proving anything that you not already are. You are there to educate your audience and have a discussion with them on a subject that you have chosen and made the centerpiece of your many years of education. You, my friend, are the expert and teacher. And we are your students.

You have my full support,

Shuyi




References
Shulman, L. S. (1986). Those who understand: knowledge growth in teaching. In S. Wilson (ed.) (2004). The wisdom of practice: essays on teaching, learning and learning to teach (pp. 189-215) USA: Jossey Bass.

Seeing Yourself as a Scholar

As a graduate student studying your area, you are a master of what you study. Few people have read as much material and given your topic as much thought as you have. Act like a scholar, speak to other experts as your peers. Don't be afraid! Here is one of my favourite tips by Evelyn Hunt Ogden from pages 54-55 of her book.

"Remember the university descriptions of dissertations, in which the word scholarly was used? Start to think of yourself as a member of the scholarly community. Calling or e-mailing other scholars can save untold hours of library work and give you confidence concerning another dissertation requirement, establishing credibility of sources.

Build into your budget long-distance phone calls. E-mail ahead of time to ask for a time you might be able to talk to the person. A $100 phone bill can save you a whole semester in costs. It is amazing how helpful most of the top people in the various fields can be. Identify these people in your field, read at least their most recent articles, then e-mail and call them. Find out what they are currently working on that may relate to your topic. Get the names of other graduate students or professors who are working on related research. Check your understanding of how this scholar's theory or work differs from some other noted researchers in the field. Talking with practicing researchers saves time by getting immediately the most recent and relevant findings for inclusion in your literature search chapter. Such direct conversations can help you to further define your topic and/or methodology; it can also be extremely effective in the defense of your proposal and then of the dissertation itself. If asked a question on method or interpretation of another's research, you will be able to respond with, "I talked to Barbara Jones about that, and her view was..." Finally, conversations with people who have devoted years of study to a field is downright interesting and can make dissertation research much more enjoyable.

Consider travel as an extension of the telephone. Sometimes while talking to a scholar you will be told about planned conferences or seminars that will focus on research very relevant to your dissertation topic. Such meetings will bring together several of the people whose work you will be using in your literature search. From your conversation with a particular researcher, you may find that the department in that university or the professor has a library of related published and unpublished research that you can use. Hop on a plane, bus, or train, or drive your car and go. Make a list of what you want to accomplish and who you want to see. Time can be conserved, dissertation quality increased, and in the long run money saved. You have spent thousands of dollars on this degree; don't quibble over a few hundred dollars more. Build into your trip budget funds to possibly take the professor and/or others to lunch or dinner as gesture of thanks for valuable information. Remember you are making important contacts in your field."

Reference
Ogden, E. H. (2007). Complete your dissertation or thesis in two semesters or less. Rowman & Littlefield.

My first book

I am proud to announce that the book I was working on is complete!

I have a few free e-copies to give away. Please comment here if you would like to have one. I will give you a giftcode. :)

You can find a sample of the book at this link: Chapter 3: Begin Writing at Every Stage of your Graduate Studies.

The Counter-Intuition of Writing

The funny thing about writing (or me?) is that for me, the project goes slowly and is stalled until and unless I take action. Let me give you an example. So I had the draft of my book for a long time. I completed most of it in January. Basically the writing came to me in big spurts. It was easy because all I had to say was already in my mind for a long time, they just flowed out.

But that draft was just there hanging. I wanted feedback but did not receive a lot. But those I received (very gratefully) helped pushed the work forward. And then it stalled...

But suddenly, the draft progressed... After I did two things:

1. I asked designers to design my front cover. Alright, so after the samples came out, I realised that my title could be improved and was not grammatically correct. I have not touched the title for a long time and the impetus to touch it came ONLY AFTER the book cover came out and I saw for myself something was wrong. So I sought M's advice and I improved the title.

2. I sent my draft out for copyediting. It's crazy but the number of things to be improved I spotted suddenly increased ONLY AFTER I sent it out. Prior to this, I was just sort of procrastinating, thinking that I have time to work on these small issues some time later. It was the sending it out that made me realised that the deadline to publication was actually nearly than I thought.

So I just want to share a tip with you, in case I am not a weird case, but my experience is shared by other human beings... Perhaps if something is slow and stalling for a long time, you might want to take an action that may initially seem illogical.

For example, you may think your work is still at its beginning stage... Of course, you don't send it for feedback from your supervisor or your peers! You wait till you improved this version, and then you send it out...

Or... You may think your work is still not yet close to being proofread... Of course! You don't send it for proofreading at this stage! Or you have wasted efforts! What is copyedited may be eventually deleted and you're wasting time and energy and MONEY! You wait and wait...

And here I am going to soon do the very illogical act of publishing a book on academic writing and publishing. Hey, this is the gal who GAVE UP her PhD studies to travel... What does she know about writing and publishing for graduate students?

Sometimes writing happens counter-intuitively and you need to trust your instincts and an act that seems illogical may be the very act you need to take at that moment to push yourself and your work forward. This has been my experience many times.

Sometimes even if you may not know the steps to take, the best thing you can do is to still take a step forward.

Updates...

I've not been here in awhile. I have been wandering about Latin America. I sometimes don't think what I am doing is considered "traveling". It seems more like random wandering with no particular purpose or order. I see many younger people traveling and I have so much to learn from them... I like how they systematically cover places of interest while keeping in touch with their loved ones. And how they end up in many places, each they personally chose to be at. Traveling at low cost. They look contented and happy.

How do they do it?

Alright. Back to this. Remember that book?

I took a long hiatus from it. One of my friends just gave me really good feedback and it scares and excites me at the same time. It scares me because her feedback is incisive and it excites me because I finally found someone who can give me the kind of feedback that can move the work forward. Incisive is exactly what I need.

I also wonder how much faith do I have. Do I have enough faith to think that piece of work can help anyone at all and is worth writing well? I don't feel like asking anyone that question. I feel like finding the answer myself. Just like how I stop asking someone what he or she likes about me. I will find out for myself what is likeable about me.

A love for writing

I did not know I enjoy writing so much.

You know I cannot stop writing my book on how to write.

It's like there's so much I want to tell people about this. But I am trying to correctly reference and cite the authors who inspired. So that those who are keen to know more know where to turn to. I think that's important.

So my book will serve as a bare bones version and also a multi-directional sign board that points to other resources that cover topics similar to mine.

So it's true, it's easy to write when you have something to say.

Self Publishing

You know I am that kind of person when I see everybody doing something a certain way, I will come along and say, “Hey! Look here, I’m going to do it this other way.”

Similar to perspectives. People see things a certain way, I like to see it in a different way. Perhaps this quality of mine has helped me somewhat in being “original”, and making an original contribution. Being original is not something I need to strive for. It’s something I yearn and desire for and feel good being. I just want to be different.

That’s not enough to be a scholar. You need to contribute in some ways.

Okay! Back here! I have quit the PHD but I have a thought of publishing a book on Amazon on how I managed to publish three articles from my Masters study. I am thinking to share this knowledge because the way I did it was unconventional. And also perhaps this could be a step for me to become self-employed. Or like a way to earn a bit of income to support myself. And yes, to share that knowledge as well.

So... let me try...