Impostor Syndrome

We hear about this so often. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore. After all, research isvery much a job that I do for a living. But now that I am doing my PhD and being a master of my own destiny and research direction and trajectory, having to recruit my own schools and convince others that my presence is more a blessing than a curse...

This impostor syndrome thingie is rearing its face.

I find myself questioning the rigor of my study, my own intentions of conducting research, and whether I know what I am doing. I don't know for certain what I am researching will make a big impact or contribution. At this stage, I can only guess.

Yet, when I meet with others, I need to be as confident as I can be, whether to my supervisor, to my reviewers and examiners, and most importantly to my research participants who are to give me their valuable time and input.

It comforts me when I read "The Journalist and the Murderer" that people like to talk when there's someone listening. At the very least, I am giving a fair hearing to the views and opinions of my research participants.

It troubles me... People see me as a lot better a researcher than I see myself. Maybe this is at the heart of the impostor syndrome.

It's a jarring feeling and not comfortable at all. It feels like I am a fake. It doesn't make sense to others why I would feel this way. I have published works, I can write research proposals, I have been around for some time...

Stand up tall, Shuyi. We will figure this thing out. The only comfort I have right now is that this impostor syndrome seems common in academia, so maybe professors will understand it. But what I need to deal with now is that in the real world, people look at body language, and yes, your confidence, and they judge based on it. So I will do well to portray myself and my research well.